Four Weeks Later, Student Still Has No Idea What’s Going on in Class

After over four weeks of attending classes, occasionally participating and even making an appearance at office hours, Brandon Riggs ’13 finally realized that he has absolutely no idea what is going on in his philosophy class.

Riggs enrolled in Phil 11: Abstract Concepts when a friend told him that it required “absolutely no work.” This proved true for the first four weeks.

However, the realization that he actually has no idea what the fuck is going on came over the weekend when he attempted to start a four-page paper on a ‘topic of his choice.’ Riggs quickly realized that not only could he not find four pages worth of relevant information to fill a paper, but he also couldn’t even recall a central theme from four weeks of class discussion to serve as his topic.



Riggs discussed how he ended up in his this situation, “I forgot to buy the books for the first week and eventually realized that there was absolutely no need to. I gave up on taking notes after the first day. I get by in class by listening to other people’s comments then summarizing them and adding some relevant shit on top. I feel bad but I don’t want to be that annoying kid who sits in the front and thinks he’s fucking Aristotle.”

Strangely, Professor Stanley Eisengard seemed relatively unaware of the precarious state of Riggs’s grasp of course material. When asked about his performance, Eisengard commended him, “Brandon really brings a lot to class. His comments are insightful and he seems like he has a genuine interest in the class. I’d love to know what he is going to discuss in his first paper.”

Riggs would also love to know what he is going to discuss in his first paper.

When asked what he was hoping to get out of the class, for which he was paying over $4,000, Riggs responded, “An A. Also at TMV. Maybe an NR.”

At press time, Riggs’s blitz to five fraternity brothers in his class about paper topics had elicited responses “We talked about the self, or the other, definitely one of the two”, “No idea. Maybe we can bl@ze later and try to come up with some ideas” and “Extension until after carnival bitches!”