#2: Nick Giaccone

Officer Giaccone has done nothing in his time as Hanover police chief that was not valiant, useful, and downright altruistic. Freedom isn’t free! It takes the hard work of individuals like Nicholas H. Giaccone (the H is for hero) to build solid communities like the one we’ve got right here, folks! Build ‘em from the ground up. If not for him, who knows how many young 20-year-old children would end up in the hospital without subsequently being shunned by a Greek house where they weren’t even necessarily drinking? Who knows how many of our innocent youth would have to trek into open basements for possibly skunked Keystones instead of pre-gaming hard liquor in their rooms that their trip leader/UGA/sibling/fraternity brother/sorority sister/expired fake in Burlington/daddy’s money on a weekend trip to Montreal got them?

Who knows how many local co-eds and sororities would continue providing alternative social spaces on this campus (we hear there are a lot of homosexuals) instead of fearing bankruptcy because of the implications of evidence collected from blacked-out witnesses? Who knows how many officers who daily risk their lives sitting in a speed trap at the bottom of the bridge would have to continue driving shitty 2002 models of police cruisers?

If not for Nick A. Giaccone (the A is for America), the risk of quick-six death on this campus from ‘14s looking out for dirty bids come spring would skyrocket, as would Jim Kim’s approval amongst the student body. Thanks to good ol' number two's persistent demand for action against the evils of underage drinking in a college town that pretty much demands a beer blanket at all times, fraternities and sororities all around Webster must close their doors on the drunken heathenism without and allow those lawbreakers who take it too far to feel the wrath of those consequences. These houses of illicit alcohol-mongering to children barely old enough to join the military now must face the deliciously rightful justice of felony charges any time a genuinely sick person in need of help/a stomach pump stumbles through their doors.

Nick C. Giaccone (the C is for crusader) knows to cast out the evils from your doorstep, and if he can’t send his undercover angels (I mean agents) in, then by gum NO ONE should be allowed in! Drive the drinking back to freshman dorms where it belongs! And don’t criticize Giaccone if some idiot kid chugs liquor in his Choates single three hours after having a half-full cup of beer in Chi Gam and he goes to the hospital.

For if you blame Nick W.W.J.D. Giaccone, then shouldn’t you blame the whole Police Department? And if the police department is guilty, isn’t this an indictment of the country’s police force in general? I put it to you, readers: isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can think whatever you want of the Dunyun, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!