“Students Stand with Staff” Suggest College Acquisition of Golden Geese to Solve Budget Deficit

In a panel held yesterday to discuss the College’s recently announced plan to reduce the budget deficit by $100 million in two years, Students Stand with Staff posed a radical and miraculous solution: buy a golden goose from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

Harper Mathis ’10, the founding student of the group, is enthusiastic about their plan, which stands as an alternative to the College’s own shrouded and mysterious plan, about which nothing is clear except that a lot of people will lose their jobs. “It’s genius, really. How many infomercials and janky-ass pawn shops have you seen offering to buy your old gold for cash?” Harper explained. “If we make an initial investment in the geese now, the long-term payoff will totally be worth it once we resell our gold to the Home Shopping Network to make ugly necklaces or whatever. The plan is foolproof.”

Other alternative budget cuts proposed during the panel, attended by faculty and students alike, included replacing professors with Baby Einstein DVD’s, making freshmen pay a $5.00 toll to get to class every day, selling locks of President Kim’s hair on EBay, burying money in the ground and hoping a money tree will grow, rebuilding Phi Delt out of ice and snow, and establishing a legal brothel on campus. The latter idea was quashed for fear that legitimate whoring would overshadow the concerted efforts of attention-whoring in Collis and on First Floor Berry. Most of these ideas were met with approval by those in attendance, yet the long-term viability of these plans was strongly questioned.

Professor Darryl Dougherty, who helped lead the panel, suggested that the College require every student to provide them with their parents’ tax returns in order to take full inventory of the wealthiest students, and then force those students at the top to pay twice as much tuition as they were already paying. “I mean, if you think about it, the richest kids here probably got here because their parents donated a building or something. You can’t turn your back on that kind of investment. It’s like poker; they’ve already got too many chips in the pot to fold. So we make them pay around eighty grand a year instead of forty-five. It’s like the American tax system, but better, because they have no say in what their money goes to. That way everybody’s happy.” Dougherty explained, “And if that doesn’t work, we can always tell students they’re going to Hell if they don’t help pay the staff’s $20 per hour pay along with all of our other expenditures. I mean, it worked for the Catholic church, right?”

Brannon Carson III ’12, one of the students who would be most affected by Dougherty’s idea, had reservations about the alternative budget solutions. “I don’t get these Students Stand with Staff losers. What’s that all about anyway? No, seriously, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been drunk since last Wednesday.” When this reporter attempted to summarize their goals, Carson said, “Oh. Well why do we need to keep paying these employees anyway? Can’t they just live off their trust funds? I’m not about to ask the college to give up our skiway or halt construction on any of our new buildings. We’ve gotta be the best, and that means leaving some men behind when you’re out there killing it on those slopes. Tough break, but when I pay tuition I expect it to go strictly to my own enjoyment. Plus, who eats DDS food anyway? I get all my meals at Canoe Club and Yama.” Carson did, however, like the idea of acquiring a golden goose from the Wonka factory, but stressed that additionally he “wants an Oompa Loompa now.”

Unfortunately, when contacted by the Dunyun, Wonka said that the geese were not for sale.