After losing a closely contested game of pong last Thursday night, Hanover Police Chief Rick Malone stirred public controversy by putting forth a plan of action for stricter alcohol policies for Dartmouth's Greek Houses. According to his partner in the game, Josh Frasier '11, Malone was visibly upset leaving AD last Thursday night, after they had just lost a game full to a half.
"He just put his head down, threw his hood up and was muttering stuff under his breath. He kept being like, 'what a stupid fuckin' game...'", said Frasier.
On Malone's first shot of the game, he reportedly chested a serve on a short-hop, then lofted the ball into the middle cup of his opponent's tree, signaling a rare "playmaker"-requiring the other team to drink the back four full cups.
"He was pretty pumped," said Frasier. "He turned to give me a chest pump and yelled, 'Hell yeah bitches! Maker! Suck it down pussies!' I don't think he'd ever heard about the playmaker curse before. But as soon as he hit it I knew we were going to lose."
Malone's opponents, AD brothers Tate Rathburn '10 and James Craney '10, were initially rattled by Malone's playmaker, but they didn't let it affect them.
"I was pretty blazed," said Craney, "but everybody hates to get makered. The guy was acting like such a n00b too, he was jumping up and down and yelling and shit. I usually don't talk when I play pong but I wanted to tell him to shut up. He eventually settled down after we started hitting cups."
Given a smaller target, Malone and Frasier subsequently struggled post-playmaker. For nearly 10 minutes they failed to sink any fulls, and the missing back row provided Rathburn and Craney with ample opportunities for easy slam saves.
"Jimbo had then one slam where he actually knocked over an entire full and spilled on this dudes pants. He looked like he pissed himself. Everyone in the basement was laughing at him. He was not happy," said Rathburn.
Despite the early lead Malone and Frasier soon found themselves nearly tied with Malone and Frasier, prompting a slew of expletives from the Chief. They battled almost equally until all that remained was a full on the side of Malone and a half for their opponents.
"He was getting really, really rattled," said Frasier. "He was so nervous about losing after that big lead he started hitting really short and low. But he was happy we were up that full at the end, you never really lose full to half."
After several shots that hit the half and were subsequently saved by Rathburn, Craney hit a desperation shot off the basement overhang that ricocheted into the full, ending the game. Following a moment of intense celebration, Craney and Rathburn congratulated themselves and turned to thank their opponents for such a spirited battle.
"I was pretty shocked after the game, like it's the worse to lose off a sink, especially off a bank like that. But lines weren't that long so I kinda got over it. I turned to give him [Malone] a dap but he wouldn't even look at me. He broke his paddle over knee and yelled 'fuck' really loud. The other dudes were coming to shake our hands and he didn't acknowledge them", said Frasier.
Instead of granting his opponents the customary post-game five, Malone flipped the table and stormed out of the basement. The Dunyun reached him at his office to comment.
"It's just so fuckin' stupid," said Malone. "Like seriously, in what kind of game do you go up so big early just to lose. It's pointless. Absolutely pointless."
Asked if his recent loss had anything to do his recent push towards stricter alcohol policy for Greek Houses at Dartmouth, Malone was amibiguous.
"No. I mean not really. I just don't think kids should be playing a game that's so stupid...err...dangerous. Cause of the drinking. But like seriously it's the stupidest shit ever and I'm over it, I'm never playing, and no one should ever be playing again."
When reminded that it was just a game played primarily for fun, Malone retorted, "Fun? You call that shit fun? It takes like 30 minutes to play a game, long to set up, and its absolutely no indication of skill! Even the clearly better players lose sometimes! After they hit makers!!! No kids in Hanover should be playing that. If they want to, they should go to another school, or at least change the rules so Playmakers are worth more fulls. We're going to take steps to prevent it."
Asked about the alcohol risks of pong, Malone seemed startled.
"Oh yeah alcohol is bad too the drinking yeah we're gonna get rid of it those numbers, um...the recent rise...uh... don't lie...."
Rathburn and Craney proceeded to play another couple of games before passing out in their rooms upstairs. The next day, when asked to comment if their win last night might have unintentionally ignited controversy in Hanover, Craney replied, "Was that the dude who looked like an alum? Dude was hitting mad low. At least I think...I was pretty blazed..."
-Leeroy Jenkins '12
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