Hanover Police Sees Facebook Group, Reverses New Policy

In the wake of the controversial announcement by the Hanover Police department concerning its new underage drinking “sting” operations that threaten the Dartmouth social scene as a whole, the student body responded perfectly through the creation of the Facebook group “Students Against Hanover Police Alcohol Policy.” In twelve hours after the story broke on thedartmouth.com, the group amassed over 1,000 members – more than a quarter of the undergraduate student body. Shocked Hanover Police officials, in an obvious decision, nullified the new policy immediately.

“When I first saw that group I thought, ‘This must be a joke. The students can’t really be against this policy,” claimed Chief of Police Frank Pritchard, “but the more I read the semi-coherent comments and vaguely stated legal defenses on the Wall I began to get the impression that these kids actually enjoy drinking.” According to a police spokesperson, the department had been working on this initiative for years, under the impression that the Dartmouth experience was being poisoned by “a few bad apples who like to drink and invite people into their frat houses.” “I wish the students had let us know their official position on drinking a long time ago,” continued Pritchard, “I devoted a lot of time towards figuring out how to save these kids from the alcohol culture they hate so much, but it turns out I could’ve just been working on my short game instead.”

Members of the group, including creator Michael Grog ’10, expressed satisfaction but not surprise at the efficacy of the online protest. “It’s a proven fact, online petitions are the quickest way to get things done.” noted Grog, “Lowering the drinking age? Legalizing marijuana? Impeaching Bush? Where would all of these causes be now if it weren’t for Facebook groups with titles in all caps?” Other group members point to the productive discussion sustained on the group’s “Wall”, which features insightful comments such as “I’m pre-law and they can’t do this” and “Fuck it, let’s get hammered.” Sources at police headquarters acknowledge that both the popularity of the group and the rambling, indignant commentary played significant roles in the reversal of the new policy.

“If these kids want free beer that badly, who am I to stop them?” continued Pritchard, “Thank god they were even proactive enough to invite all of their friends after joining the group themselves.” Experts in tech trends note that Facebook has not seen a successful protest of this scale since the last four updates to the site’s layout sparked such backlash that they were promptly changed back by creator Mark Zuckerberg.

-John Merrick '12