H-Po Narc Gets Blacked Out And Doesn't Remember Any Underage Drinking

Michelle Brownfield, a 19-year old student at Lebanon Community College, woke up in the Fahey-McLane lounge this morning with “no recollection of last night”.

Looking to “make some extra cash this term”, she had enlisted in Queef Chief of Hanover Police Nicholas Giaconne’s “Snitch Squad”, a group of courageous young men and women “looking to fuck up fun and frats”. Members of the SS are referred to as “death-eaters” and range from mature-looking 16-year olds to still mildly attractive Soccer Moms.

According to insiders (Snitch Squad Snitches), Giaconne left a voice-mail on Brownfield’s phone late last night, “Hey Michelle, it’s Papa Eagle. One of your other operatives reported that raucous laughter and club beats could be heard emanating from Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity. When there’s rage, there’s underage. Let’s bring the sting baby! Papa needs a new fucking car.”

Brownfield, excited about her chance to impress Papa Eagle, put on her frattiest apparel and headed over to 7 Webster Avenue. She produced a custom Giaconne ID at the door, complete with Keystone-scent and DDS scratch marks for originality.

The doorman at the time, Michael Hairst ’12, later reported to The Dunyun, “I mean the ID definitely looked fishy. There was no picture and it said Big Green on the front not Dartmouth. But this girl was cute, so I let it go. Gave her two wristbands actually. One for each boob.”

The death-eater strolled downstairs and following Giaconne’s “Stash and Dash” procedure, asked one of the brothers, “Could I grab a beer?” Giaconne instructs all his disciples to “stash” a beer, then “dash” out of there back to the Eagle’s nest.

The bartending brother, James Hans ’10, responded, “No way. What you can do is play pong with my boy Jeff over there. He’s been looking for a partner.” While a major stray from the standard plan, Giaconne always says, “If the plan falls through, just transfer to a new one. Never fall out of character.”

So Brownfield told the bartender, “Sure I’ll play the pong. Upstairs?” Hairst gave Brownfield a puzzled look, considered maybe taking her upstairs, and then said, “No, on that table over there, it’s all set-up. Jeff’s the kid with brown hair.”

Brownfield headed towards the table, met with her partner, and yelled, “I’m ready to hit the pong!” Her partner, Jeff O’Neill ’10, served it up and Brownfield, staying in full character, focused intensely on the game.

O’Neill informed Dunyun reporters, “This girl was the worst pong player ever. Like, she made no contact, kept trying to drink the entire full, and I’m pretty sure blacked out mid-way through our first game.”

After one game, Brownfield was falling all over the place and without Good Sam capabilities anymore, Chi Gamma Epsilon brothers had to repeatedly ask her where she lived. She kept saying, “The Eagle’s Nest”, but the Brothers decided Fahey-McLane might be the safest option.