Evil Student Mastermind Has All ’11 Campus Celebs Doing Stupid Shit

    One student, Alex Williamson ’12, has, in recent weeks, been orchestrating one of the most complex and ingenious pranks Dartmouth’s campus has ever seen. Simply by creating several anonymous Gmail accounts and posing as various secret societies, Williamson has been able to act as puppeteer for all self-centered, social-climbing ‘11s who are on this term.
    “It’s so simple,” said Williamson. “Seriously. All I did was make some Gmail accounts with cryptic names and then say some weird shit to ’11 celebs and then they are literally my puppets. I don’t even have to identify myself as any particular society. I can say anything.”
    Around campus, especially over the past week, members of the Class of 2011 have been seeing performing various acts of buffoonery, including dressing like 80s punk stars and homeless people, running through the library, and sending a mass e-mail to the entire campus.
    “It is literally an endless source of amusement,” said Williamson. “I can be sitting on First Floor Berry and want a study break and send an anonymous [e-mail] to some random ’11 who thinks he’s hot shit and then in ten minutes I’ll see him streaking through the library. Classic. I feel powerful…”
    When approached by The Dunyun about their erratic behavior, none of the members of the Class of 2011 had any comment. In fact, each one of them pretended not to know what The Dunyun was talking about.
    “I don’t know what you mean,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous for the purposes of “not soiling” any tap prospects. “I just woke up today and decided that it would be really fun to dress up as a Teletubby and blitz out to campus about my appreciation for cutting onions until I cry. It’s so fun! You should try it.”
    No official representatives of any of the secret societies could be reached. Casque & Gauntlet, however, was able to comment that official taps have not begun.
    When asked about the antics going on around campus, C&G representative Jane Hyhors ’10 just laughed.
    “I’ve talked to my friends in other societies, and nobody knows why these kids are doing this. But certainly nobody’s going to say anything. It’s just too good to ruin. I mean, C&G is totally respectable enough to have taps do stupid things, but we’re above that. Really.”
    The inspiration for the slew of mass e-mails, according to Williamson, came from a joke that a friend of his made about how secret societies were becoming the exact opposite of secret.
    “Literally, what could be further from secret than sending a[n e-mail] to the entire campus that is clearly because somebody got tapped? I mean, in terms of deniability, somebody might as well get naked behind AD’s bar with a molestache and then claim not to be a pledge. I can’t believe that ‘11s actually think real secret societies would ask them to do this.”
    The e-mails that Williamson refer to have been received by all undergraduates, and include pleas to provide food and shelter for the “Bonus Jonas,” as well as a plea to hold a candlelight vigil for staff members in the face of the upcoming layoffs.
    “Only the egos of a hundred social-climbing juniors could fuel so much of my personal entertainment,” said Williamson.