Sun God Cockblocks Winter Carnival By Laying In Ice Sculpture For Five Days Straight

It seems the theme of this year’s Winter Carnival should have been changed to “not fucking in the coliseum of ice”. Reports came last weekend of soothing music and heavy breathing coming from inside the snow sculpture, but these were not the sounds of frozen lay. To the dismay of many adventurous couples yearning for a quick round of snow-backing, the costumed antithesis to sexuality had long-since staked his claim to the frigid nest.

            One pair of frisky freshmen, Alice Roe and John Nieman ‘13, decided in a drunken haze on Friday night to sprint across the Green and “explore” the magnificent piece of artwork that was this year’s Winter Carnival showpiece. According to Nieman, he was “totally” about to check off one of the Dartmouth Seven. “And in the Snow Sculpture, no less. Legend status.” As they approached the beautifully crafted cylinder, however, Alice noticed something amiss.

            “Alice turned to me and was like, ‘I think there’s somebody in there. Do you hear that music? There’s definitely some panting going on,’” said Nieman in an interview with The Dunyun on Sunday. Both thought they had been beaten to the punch by another team of snow-plowers, but what lay in wait for them in the Coliseum was much, much worse.

“Then we walked around the side of the sculpture and looked inside. It was the fucking Sun God in there alone with his speakers and his Darth Vader lightsaber. And his fucking nips were poking out through that spandex. Ridiculous.”

            When asked how long he had been lying wait in the icy bowl, Jonathan James Recor, MALS ’12, better known as the Sun God, replied, “About four hours now. I’m not that cold, though. It’s quite nice out tonight. Why don’t you guys join me for a nice round of crossing lightsaber swords? I’m not lonely though. I’m not lonely.” He proceeded to set up his tripod and take pictures of himself while in assorted yoga and martial arts stances as the two disturbed freshmen quickly walked away to discover the true meaning of love in the dirty basement of a fraternity.

            Students across campus have expressed their outrage at the Sun God’s actions. “Just think about all the kids that could have boned in that thing over the weekend,” said disgruntled student Jack Spewer ’11. “That sculpture was clearly designed to be used as a coitus cup, a bowl of bonking, a statue of shag. It’s shaped like a gigantic armchair, for fuck’s sake. Haha. No pun intended. As soon as they make an ice sculpture absolutely perfect for secluded sexing, though, of course the Sun God feels the need to ruin it for everybody. What an asshole. We got cockblocked out of the last two sculptures by the weather. 20,000 Leagues Under the Fuck turned into a melting mess. And the Moosi-fuck Ravine Lodge turned into a mountain of celibacy.”

            In response to the affront on Winter Carnival tradition, the Winter Carnival Committee and the Collis Center for Student Activities have put forth a new joint proposal mandating a maximum clothing level allowed within the sculpture. The signatories hope this action will prevent any abhorrent nonsexual activity from occurring within next year’s sculpture, which will be shaped like a bed. Some students, however, fear that this will only inspire the Sun God to do the exact same thing he did this year, only naked.

            Many students have speculated as to what the Sun God’s motivation could have been to lay dormant in the ice sculpture for such a long and inconvenient period of time. Perhaps he was hoping that an inebriated couple wouldn’t notice him in there, and he could catch a glimpse of the beast with two backs. Maybe he was simply doing it for his normal attention-grabbing and student-annoying routine. What truth everybody seems to agree with, though, is that the Sun God was Dartmouth Winter Carnival 2010’s biggest cockblock.

-Bob Roberts '13