Dick’s House Hires Undercover Craigslist Prostitutes to Promote Safe Sex

Taking a cue from the really, really dedicated law enforcement officers of Hanover, Director of Health Services Jack Turco announced today that Dick’s House will begin employing both male and female “call girls and boys of sorts” found on Craigslist to infiltrate campus fraternity parties, seduce Dartmouth students, and then report whether or not they were encouraged to participate in unsafe sexual activity.

“The decision was made in response to a reported increase in screenings for possible STI’s at Dick’s House in the past couple of months. CVS told us that their sales of Plan B and First Response pregnancy tests have also been on the rise. We had to respond to these unsafe sexual practices somehow, but until Hanover Police came up with this extremely ingenious invasive practice, we didn’t have a clue where to start,” Turco explains.

The experts at Dick’s House (who qualify as experts due to their superior Guitar Hero skills) have been searching for months for a way to force students to use contraception every time they engage in sexual intercourse, yet they always came to the same roadblock. “The thing is, no matter what we told them and tried to pound into their heads about why it was important to have safe sex, it was always still left up to them. And that was the problem—leaving a choice there,” says Sandra Barnes, assistant director to Turco, who is the brains behind this new method. “So we thought, why not get someone on the inside? Someone who’s looking for a quick buck for a quick fuck, and then when it gets to that all-important moment of penetration, this hired hand, this guardian Trojan angel, can insist on wrapping it before tapping it.”

The most controversial aspect of this new approach to promoting safe sexual behavior among college students is the follow-up procedure. The recruits from Craigslist will take the names of any student who seems hesitant about or opposed to the idea of using contraceptive measures and report them back to Dick’s House, at which point their mothers will be called. Statistics will also be gathered about which Greek members on campus are most likely to engage in “reckless raw-dogging,” and those houses will be forced to participate in forums on engaging in safe sexual behavior.

Some argue that this tactic will encourage students to seek sexual satisfaction off-campus, perhaps at Hanover High School dances or in the seedy back alleys of West Lebanon, because they will not know which of their fellow students to trust. Other students have protested that the attempt to force students into appropriate behavior will simply make them resentful of authority figures attempting to so heavily impose upon the existing social scene, and will make them suspicious that anyone who chooses to use contraception must be a narc. Turco laughs off these concerns. “It simply shouldn’t be their decision to make. These kids are practically infants. They’ll thank us later when they wake up and don’t have gonorrhea of the throat. And if they don’t like it, I’m sure they can just text the admissions guys at Harvard or Yale explaining that they really need some trustworthy ass and ask to transfer. Those guys’ll just shoot ‘em a quick text-acceptance back. Easy-peasy.”

When reached for comment, Hanover Police Chief Joe Giaccone said, “Oh, ballin’. Do you have Turco’s number? Do you think he could get those Craigslist whores to nonchalantly check their ID’s and breathalyze them while they’re at it? Because I’m pretty sure the narcs I choose will be ridiculously easy to spot.”