Astronomers at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics have made a revelatory discovery that promises to change the astronomy world forever. The revolution of the Earth, previously thought to follow an orbit around the Sun, actually takes place around you personally. The implications of this discovery have yet to be fully realized, but rest assured that nothing you do is ever wrong and you no longer need to listen to anyone who tells you that you are not better than anyone else. Your thoughts, feelings, and opinions all take precedence over factual evidence to the contrary, as well as compassion towards others.
Dr. Sarah Holtzberg, one of the scientists on the team—who are expected to publish their findings later today—spoke with the Dunyun about the groundbreaking research. “I don’t want to get too science-y on y’all, but basically this kid may or may not be the center of the entire universe. The student in question is without a doubt the most deserving and important person in this world.” Some have criticized you for wasting all the money your parents spend on this school by getting blacked out every weekend and rarely attending class, but Dr. Holtzberg can now confirm that anyone who thinks they can judge you “are just a bunch of jealous haters,” and that you have, in fact, never made a single mistake.
Your best friend, when reached for comment, confirmed that you pretty much knew this all along. “Yeah, we used to get annoyed with my friend for taking us for granted, but now we see that we really should be taken for granted. We are nothing compared to the center of our solar system. Whenever my buddy’s ex-slampieces would blitz me asking why they hadn’t received a call or text in a while, or saying that they got blatantly ignored in Collis, I never really knew what to say. Sorry for partying? Now I can just be blunt: you just don’t matter. You’re lucky you got to even be in the same room with those holy genitals, let alone have sex with them. I thought it kind of crossed the line when I found out that my best friend went to that candlelight vigil thing and started throwing hammers at people, but now it’s just kind of funny. Who doesn’t wish their life was more like Mario World?” Your best friend also revealed that you are prone to littering and once killed a stray dog for fun.
Informants also tell us that some members of the ultimate Frisbee team were really offended by some of your comments at their grilled cheese sale for Haiti relief, giving them a fake DASH number and shoving handfuls of Kraft singles into your mouth without paying for them while shouting “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAITI? YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE-Y? GIVING MONEY TO POOR PEOPLE. WHY DON’T THEY JUST GET A JOB?” and “Don’t blame me; I voted for Jefferson Davis!” At the time, people thought those comments were pretty racist and unacceptable, but now they understand that you, as the center of gravity around which our entire planet revolves, matter more than any insignificant earthquake that claimed hundreds of thousands of lives. “Yeah, I really thought that kid was a douche,” said Pete Jennings ’12, an Ultimate player, “but I see now how wrong I was. Being the center of the Earth’s yearly orbit? That’s more than A-side. That’s like, Billboard #1 hit single.” You couldn’t agree more.
Upon further investigation, Carly Simon has confirmed that the song “You’re So Vain” was, in fact, also about you.
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