Stinson’s to Enter New Market

After decades of selling beer, wine, and tobacco, Stinson’s Village Store has decided to expand its inventory. Although nobody would be foolish enough to question Jack Stinson, some observers have wondered why he believes there is such a demand in Hanover for whipped cream and alternative means of smoking tobacco. 

“The kids seem to love whipped cream,” Stinson said in an interview with The Dunyun. “And not just any whipped cream. None of this Miracle-Whip bullshit. The kids seem to love fresh whipped cream.”

Stinson’s will begin selling whipped cream chargers effective immediately. Curiously enough, though, the store will not stock any cream. 

“The demand for that has been low,” Stinson said. “I think kids get organic cream from the Co-op or something. Either way, we just sell the chargers.”

In addition to whipped cream chargers, Stinson’s will now also sell alternative means of smoking tobacco. 

“Smoking cigarettes is just so boring,” said one male member of the Class of 2014 who wished to remain anonymous. “I did normal cigarettes for a while. Then I started rolling my own with Zig-Zags from Stinson’s. Then I decided I liked it better when it was a cigar wrap. Then I bought a pipe from Stinson’s. But it’s difficult to get my tobacco fix with all that. What I need now is a three-foot-long glass pipe with two percolators and a deep bowl. Thank God Stinson’s helping me get my nicotine buzz so efficiently.”

When asked about other potential uses for the new merchandise, Stinson shrugged. 

“We card,” he said. 

Hanover Police Chief Nick Giaccone said that the Hanover Police Department would continue to investigate and prosecute any illegal drug use in their jurisdiction. Giaccone also murmured something about wishing he was ever invited to any parties, but The Dunyun couldn’t catch the exact wording. 

The Economics Department is eagerly anticipating the changes that will occur in the Hanover whipped cream market as a result of the new stocking at Stinson’s, but hasn’t released any official predictions yet, besides saying, “Wawawawawawawawawawa.”