Beta Kicks Off PRIDE Week with Sunday Night Bash

Last Sunday, campus joined Beta in a dirty, awkward, but oh so sweet one-night stand with America.

Beta held a bonfire/party to demonstrate their solidarity with the LGBT community and welcome in PRIDE week at Dartmouth. Hundreds of students dropped their books to flock to the Beta front lawn for a merry sing along around the fire, followed by shirtless dancing and country music.

The celebration took on a decidedly patriotic feel, admirably implying how LGBT values are American values. Beta emphasized the connection by inviting campus to “Celebrate America” with them. The night was about breaking free from the heteronormative goal of bedding coeds. Instead, we would bed the US of A.

“PRIDE week aims to raise awareness of LGBT issues and show that the most intimate relationships don’t necessarily have to be between man and woman,” claims PRIDE week organizer Jeremy Bregman ’13.

“The brothers of Beta have always showed Dartmouth that it’s okay if your biggest crush is on America.”

Partygoers spent the night flirting with America by playing its favorite songs and constantly chanting its name. However, “kids here couldn’t hit on Amurrica for their goddam lives,” said Beta brother John Shackleford ’12. “No one’s gotten a girl by singing a song about her since the 50’s. Amurrica aint no slut.”

“I guess it’s just inexperience,” added Shackleford. “A lot of brothers here have been going steady with Amurrica since middle school. “I’m glad to see the rest of campus embrace our way of life, but it can’t just be for one night. Amurrica’s the relationship type, you know?”

“We’re trying to expose students to alternative lifestyles and show them that it’s alright to be different,” said Bregman. “Hopefully after all this, the rest of the week will seem almost tame.”

Like with most one-night stands, campus woke up Monday morning full of confusion and regret. Did last night even mean anything? My midterm’s in 10 minutes? Fuck.

Despite all of our best efforts to win over America’s heart last Sunday, the real winner was Osama bin Laden who, after ten years of playing hard to get, finally got fucked by America.