America Ends War on Drugs in Response to 14's Column in the D

In a swift departure from a decades long policy, president Barack Obama announced yesterday a full and immediate end to the war on drugs. Although the reason for the sudden reversal of attitudes wasn’t initially clear, Mr. Obama pointed to what changed his mind and the minds of politicians across America: an editorial by a ’14 in Monday’s issue of The Dartmouth.

Mr. Obama praised the ’14 for his well-reasoned argument, “Every morning I pick up the D, the obvious pick for opinion articles about things other than Dartmouth College. This scholar just made such bold assertions like ‘the war is not succeeding.’ How can you say no to that?”



South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham also commended the columnists for his insights, “We’ve been trying to cut the budget for months and no one ever told me that we were spending $45 billion per year on a war that is ‘not succeeding.’ I guess the propaganda machine is out of control, that’s why I always check the D for some straight talk.”

Students speculated that the columnist’s age, having almost completed his freshman year, contributed to his wisdom.

“He’s that perfect stage to comment on world issues. This time next year he’ll be like the rest of us and wont give a shit about anything,” said Brandon Harrison ’12, “But at the same time he almost has a year of Ivy League education under his belt, I bet he’s taken Gov 5 and Econ 1.”

The columnist who wrote the article was pleasantly surprised with the result, “Dartmouth doesn’t really have any problems that I thought were worth dealing with, I’ll leave trivial stuff like sexual assault and the new meal plan to the amateurs, I want to swing for the fences. Students definitely pick up the D and not the New York Times or Wall Street Journal when they’re looking for opinion articles on national issues so I'm trying to deliver.”

Inquiries to the Pulitzer Association were not returned.

In other news, students are unsure if Lose the Shoes is happening this Saturday due to a lack of blitzes about the event.