Greg McMichael ’10 gained room-wide attention today when he reportedly accomplished the feat of having watched every single video on YouTube. Widespread student reaction to this news (reported here first) is “That’s stupid and not possible,” but sources confirm that as of 4 p.m. he could not find a single clip of a kitten and puppy snuggling or a fat person falling down that he didn’t already know like the back of his hand. Witnesses report that upon realizing he had exhausted all time-wasting options in video format, he instantly went into a state of panic in the middle of the Periodicals, screaming, “I CAN’T go back to Robot Unicorn Attack!”
McMichael, a self-proclaimed “YouTube junkie,” has been an avid fan of the site since its inception, when he finally stopped using Ask Jeeves to search for porn online. Since that time he has viewed an average of 500 videos on a normal day and approximately 23,000 videos per day during finals periods. Never in his wildest dreams, though, did he imagine that he might run out of videos to watch. “I just…couldn’t believe it,” he says. “YouTube has been there for me in the worst of times. When I got a Dodge Neon for my 16th birthday, I got through it by watching clips of Pimp My Ride and imagining Xzibit showing up at my house to throw a sick fish tank in the dash. Then when I failed Writing 5 my freshman fall I just laughed the tears away with videos of dogs in human clothing, and when I lost my little brother to leukemia I just replaced him with David After Dentist, who’s way cuter anyway.”
At first, McMichael used the site mainly for personal procrastination and pleasure, but as he slowly lost all ability to relate to others except through the internet, he expanded his YouTube repertoire. Says McMichael: “Yeah, chicks love that YouTube shit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve scored with my superior knowledge of how to find videos of other people being funny or interesting instead of me.” When pressed, McMichael admitted that for him, “scoring” includes making eye contact or not being pointedly asked what that smell is.
McMichael is currently seeking other procrastination techniques, but has not been successful in finding a suitable replacement. “I thought maybe I’d just blitz my friends to meet me in Novack for an Odwalla and Smartfood dinner, but no dice. Turns out living on someone’s freshman floor doesn’t count as being friends.” Instead, he bought out their entire store of Full Throttle and Moxie, because he has “seriously so much work left to do. What am I doing with my life?”
Preliminary campus reports indicate that most students still have many outlets for defying productivity, including quickies in the Stacks bathrooms, keeping a tally of how many times that girl on 3FB clears her throat, blitzjacking themselves, and reading and/or writing the Daily Dunyun.
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