13s Try to Explain Pong to Friends at Home, Fail Miserably

Across America, ‘13s are experiencing their first prolonged time away from Hanover and are wondering how they ever lived in their hometowns. This transition away from Hanover has been difficult for many ‘13s. Chris Hampson ’13 unfortunately learned the hard way that crossing in the middle of the street in New York City is met with more than an awkward glance and wave. After finishing a project for his internship, David Justice ‘13 headed down to his basement to “hang out.” However, he was greeted with only stacks of boxes and a single hanging light bulb. Undaunted, he urinated in the corner.

To remedy this situation, many ‘13s have attempted to introduce aspects of Dartmouth into their home lives. ‘13s have accomplished this in different ways. Stacey Jackson ‘13, upon her arrival back home, began to only listen to Filligar and classify everything in her hometown as either a-side or b-side (mostly b-side). To ease the transition from DDS, John Stiefel ‘13 began to only pay food with his debit card and leave excessive tips to make the prices more “realistic.” 

Brooke Weathers ’13 created the website Lonely@Longisland, but soon disregarded it when she realized that she was the only one posting and that she had only three networks on which to agree or disagree. 

‘13s throughout the country have tried to introduce one aspect of Dartmouth into their home lives, pong. ‘13s ranged from “pumped” to “stoked” about the prospect of putting their year at Dartmouth to work and crushing the kids who “partied harder than them in high school.” Although usually confined to a ping-pong or dining room table and sometimes played using paddles with handles since your friend “doesn’t want to break his $25 Kong Linghui signature paddles,” playing pong at home provides several advantages to freshmen. 

John Holtz ‘13 was excited about his ability to finally hold table while playing Dartmouth pong at home, “I've spent all year knocking over cups with failed throw saves and fighting off golden trees. This is my first chance to look like I’m actually good at pong.” He added, “If my friends start beating me, I can just make up some house rules.”

Kenny Sherman ‘13 explained his uses for pong at home, “There’s this girl that I’ve wanted to hook up with since 10th grade but I've always been too awkward to go for it. If only I had known about pong back then. Maybe I'll even be able to get some practice with inviting girls to go upstairs, you know, for when I'm in a frat.” Sherman continued that pong in his basement is not completely unlike Dartmouth, “The lights flickered in my basement and we thought S and S was doing a walk-through. Turns out it was really just my Dad plugging in the space heater."

However, students’ friends from back home have been less than receptive to the idea of pong with paddles. Although refusing to acknowledge that it is actually “pong” and classifying it as “elitist,” Jessica Murphy’s ’13 friends eventually agreed to give it a try. However, after 3 failed shots, her friend, a rising sophomore at UCONN, declared that pong “was the stupidest thing ever” and refused to continue. Discouraged by her friends’ lack of interest, Murphy created the Facebook group “Pong in Jersey” so that she could find and play pong with ’13s that she apparently failed to meet in a full year at Dartmouth, and so that they could “not look like froshies on table next fall!!!”

Brian Surface had similar problems with a pong game that he had been setting up since spring break. After spending $60 on pong supplies, including Keystone Light (which to his surprise was not free), his game quickly devolved into a game of Beirut when he sunk 3 cups and saved the only other hit in the first 10 minutes of play. Research shows that 100% of attempted pong games eventually turn into ruit games unless at least 3 Dartmouth students are present. 

However, all male ‘13s interviewed were quick to qualify their lack of summer pong with the fact that they “will have plenty of time to get it back before pledge term” and that they “are still on track to win 11X Masters.”