'14 Wins Game of Pong, Becomes Insufferable Douche

After having been told by several upperclassmen frat bros at dimensions that pong skill was the key to "women, social capital and corporate recruitment", Alex Straus '14 was determined to take his game to the next level.

He spent his summer training intensely, playing "hydropong" for hours by himself, and used up most of orientation watching pong games absorbedly while jotting notes in a spiral notebook.

Gameday for Straus came one evening at Sig Nu, when he found the ideal opponents: a blacked out brother playing with his blacked out girlfriend. After drafting squash recruit Will Landon '14 to play alongside him, Straus was able to win by two entire fulls. Immediately after his victory, Straus hurled his paddle onto the floor, screamed "FUCK YEAH" and pelvic thrusted over 20 times before walking
over for the customary handshake. Strangely, he found his opponents unreceptive to the sportsmanlike gesture.

When asked what his goals for pong were, Straus responded "I definitely want to make it to the semis of masters. I am clearly in the top five '14s cause I mean, I just beat two '11s but that's just not good enough for me. My floormates are always like 'pong is a social game' and 'chill the fuck out' but they just don't have it. They don't have the heart of a champion."

Straus's winning streak was interrupted the following game when the brothers Straus faced flipped table yelling "get out of my fraternity you annoying prick!"

Straus's friends indicated subtle shifts in his behavior over the next week. "He's such a cocky little shit now," says his roommate Freddy Cho '14. "He won't ever shut up about pong. If he mentions that 'epic sink' one more time I'll actually piss in his laundry."

Onlookers have also noticed changes in Straus's conduct, citing a 35% increase in undeserved confidence and an 86% increase in unjustified use of pong terminology, specifically the phrases "we were so close to a silver shrub" and using the terms "blown save" and "sink" to describe mundane accomplishments and failures.

"We were just eating breakfast, and he introduced himself by saying
'I'm Alex. I'm considered to be pretty good at pong' and then winked at me. It was honestly very creepy," says Julia Buford '14. "Do guys like, think that being good at pong is a turn-on or something?"

At press time, Straus's blitz to Buford with the title "Lets P some P!!" was unanswered.

- Kumar Kapoor '14