The Dunyun’s Guide to Pretending to be Good at Pong

Let’s face it, most of us aren’t good at pong. I know, there was that one time that you “held table for five games” or “sunk four cups in a row to seal an epic comeback” but you usually fail to mention all the blown leads and attempts at spin serves when you sheepishly hit a cup. As a certified expert in not being good at pong, I've compiled a guide on how to look like you are good at pong, even if that is obviously not the case. 

It starts with what most would consider the basics, yet many people somehow fail miserably. This is not looking stupid or douchy while playing and starts and ends with not getting overly competitive. Sure, if you're sinking a cup in Masters then feel free to let out a loud “Let’s Go” but I don’t want to hear it at 11:30 on a Monday night. This extends to throwing anything in anger: paddles, cups, your partner, etc.

Another topic that relates to not looking stupid is celebrations. Your celebration should never take more than three seconds. Ideally it would be a quick pound. Act like you’ve been there before. Unless you're playing with a girl (or boy, we’re not sexist) whom you're trying to hook up with and who is for some reason is into that shit, your celebration should be one fluid motion. 

Now that we’ve covered how to not look dumb while playing pong, we’ll move onto actually looking good. I’ve broken this down into five simple steps that can make any crushing loss look like it was just an off game. 

1) Call low on yourself early in the game. Preferable this will happen on a shot that isn’t actually low but a questionably low shot will do. 

2) Check the ball for cracks. This is most effectively done by rolling the ball under your paddle while holding your ear nearby. For the greatest effect, do this after you hit a layup that your opponent converts on. Also

3) Switch paddles mid-game. This can be intensified if you state that it "isnt what you’re used to."

4) Always make sure to wipe up/spread out any small puddles of beer that spill on the table. This is because you know that any small amount of beer on the table could slightly alter the bounce of the ball and it only takes that much to throw off your well-refined stroke. 

5) Take a full on the edge of the formation instead of a half in the middle when your opponent hits on their serve. This is pretty next level as it implies that you are so accurate that you have a better chance at hitting cups in the middle of the table. This is also probably the most difficult to pull off. Don't try if you're on the verge of a golden tree/shrub.

If you're still waiting on that spin serve then this should tide you over. This guide is available in pocket size for review while waiting out that line of four.