News in Brief

“Scream Save” Popularity on the Rise

The “scream save,” consisting of screaming while the pong ball hurdles imminently towards your cups (dropping the paddle is optional), has recently become a quite popular go-to move for Dartmouth students during games of pong. This challenging save takes great mental reflexes combined with poor physical coordination, as well as genuine concern about the consumption of Keystone and/or the loss of the game. Scream saves are expected to increase Kappa pong talent by up to 63% in any given game, and up to 80% when combined with team saves.

Home Plate Silverware Not Free

DDS announced today that their convenient silverware provisions including forks, knives, spoons, plastic cups, plates, trays, and panini griddles are not in fact complementary, but are meant to be continuously reused by countless plebeians who have had their hands God-knows-where. This announcement came seemingly out of the blue to me in the wake of walking out of Home Plate with a delicious beverage in what was approximately the forty-fifth free plastic cup I’ve taken. Commentators and witnesses (also all me) protested, arguing that these colors don’t run.

You Graduated Two Years Ago

Recent reports indicate that despite your ongoing obsession with pong, your crushing lack of job prospects, and your appearance at every big weekend, you in fact stopped being a Dartmouth student somewhere around two years ago, when you graduated. Further studies suggest that you, personally, as an individual, are the worst class ever.

No One Can Look Good in Purple Uggs

No one can look good in purple Uggs.