Giaccone launches new attack on Greek system, enlists PETA, admissions officers

Free the Dags.

Hanover Police has started looking for help from unlikely
sources in a new "creative" effort to "improve" the Greek
system, according to Nick Giaccone.

As the first step of the two-part plan--also known
as "Boost Webster"--representatives from People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals will be invited to visit
fraternities.

"We decided we needed to diversify our tactics," Giaccone
said. "We started worrying that if the police department
got too aggressive, the College might grow a pair and
actually exert some pressure on the town. So we went with
a new strategy. Plus, this will make the fraternities
better, more animal-friendly places."

The inspiration for enlisting PETA came after an Hpo
cruiser hit the seventeenth Tri Kap dog in the span of two
months.

"Once those PETA reps see how frat dogs are treated here,
there might be serious repercussions. PETA doesn't mess
around," Giaccone said.

Some students expressed concern that getting rid of dogs
would reduce traffic upstairs in AD by up to 75 percent.
Several AD brothers, however, scoffed at the police's
tactics, claiming that they are "immune from the legal
system, suckas."

"But girls dig the dogs," Charles Fletcher '12, a brother
at Theta Delt, said. "Strutting around campus casually
holding a leash would just look weird without them."

Brothers at Phi Delt shocked campus by swiftly organizing
a rally against the proposed measures, threatening that
they would refuse to wear shirts for the rest of the term
if they were forced to give up their canine companions.
This protest may have been merely a ruse to make
shirtlessness acceptable, though several Phi Delts claimed
to ?just really love their dogs.?

The first scheduled visits for PETA reps will take place
in The Tabard and Sigma Delt, because of the flagrant pet
abuse that takes place in those houses.

In the second part of Boost Webster, Hanover Police will
work with admissions officers at Dartmouth to institute
a "police filter" for the peer recommendation section of
applications. The filter will search for certain words
that increase the likelihood of underage drinking.

Applications with phrases such as "not afraid to try new
things" and "fun" will be less likely to be accepted,
while "hard worker" and "no-nonsense" will give the
applicant additional points in the process.

"There's a proven correlation between certain words and a
student's tendency towards binge drinking," Giaccone said.

The goal of Boost Webster isn't to eliminate the Greek
system, however, but rather to ensure the health and
safety of students, according to Giaccone.

"Work hard, play hard is just not healthy," he said. "It's
time to focus on work hard, and make the College more like
its peer institutions. MIT has a thriving Greek scene."

College administrators attempted to blitz campus about the
new Boost Webster initiative, but their subject line "Want
to help enhance Dartmouth's academic drive??" led to the
blitz ending up in most students' spam filters.

- Mary Macintosh '12