News in Brief

“Acquaintance Duped by Cleverly Suppressed Recipient List”

Like most Dartmouth students, Walter Clausen ’14 was not planning on going to the Sings a capella show on Monday night at Zete. However, when he received a personal blitz from his trippee, Sarah, whom he sits two rows behind in Writing 5, asking “I know we haven't talked in a while but it would really mean a lot to me if you came to my show tonight. We’ve all been working really hard and I have a solo ;) but I'm kindof nervous,” he relented. 

Clausen explained his reasoning, “I didn’t want to go. I mean, shit, it’s a capella but that blitz made me feel really guilty. And my trippee’s cute, not hot, but cute, so I figured maybe she wanted to hook up afterwards.”

Unfortunately, Clausen was met at the show by his entire trip and Writing 5, many of whom were holding signs saying “GO SARAH” or “SING SARAH SING.” He quickly whipped out his iPhone and realized that that “personal blitz” could’ve easily gone out to every person Sarah had met since orientation. Crushed, he sulked to the basement, called line (threes) and started texting his “real friends” about pong.

“Sig Ep Pledges Get Bored, Start Hazing Themselves”

After four grueling weeks of frustration over a lack of unity and public embarrassment, several Sigma Phi Epsilon pledges decided band together and haze themselves. Hansel Harrington ’13 explained their decision while wearing a tutu, “We always see the SAE and KDE pledges having so much fun, carrying around funny stuffed animals and wearing crazy clothes, we just wanted to be a part of it. Since we don’t have a house we needed to do something so that people would know that we’re in a frat.” 

The pledges have tried to replicate other fraternities “harder” pledge terms. In addition to wearing flair, they have chosen to eat seven meals per week together in Collis and to carry a pledge pack containing Big League Chew, Tide-to-Go and pong ball disinfectant. One pledge classified his newfound bond with his class as "palpable" and added “I probably know two-thirds of my pledge brothers’ names now.”