Jack Stinson and Hanover Police Chief Nick Giaccone have been beefing ever since Stinson made Giaccone eat a worm in the 3rd grade after convincing him that it would taste good. That incident started a decade of bullying, where Stinson would hurt and publicly humiliate Giaccone, with the latter powerless to stop him. For decades, Giaccone has been working to get back at Stinson, although all efforts have failed. In a last-ditch effort, Giaccone entered the Police Academy, and enjoyed a meteoric rise to success in the vast Hanover Police Department. This put Giaccone in a unique position to deal Stinson a fatal blow.
“I’m going to end the Greek system,” Giaccone said in an exclusive interview with The Dunyun last week. “I tried to get my buddy Jim Wright to help me end the Greek system, but he chickened out after he realized my intentions. It’s up to me now.”
In the months leading up to Homecoming, Giaccone has been slowly chipping away at the Greek system, indicting multiple houses with alcohol charges and fining the Tabard thousands of dollars. Homecoming will give him the chance to strike, however. He knew that if he managed to bring charges against every Greek house on campus, he could end business for Stinson’s Village Store within a year.
When Stinson heard of Giaccone’s plans, he decided to fix the problem, old-school style. Phi Delt cheered! Stinson drove his beige GMC van over to Giaccone’s house and calmly rang the doorbell. When Giaccone answered the door in his bathrobe, Stinson pointed over Giaccone’s shoulder and yelled, “What’s that!?” Giaccone turned, and Stinson struck swiftly.
The wind-up was tight. The execution was deadly. A few mere milliseconds after turning his head, Giaccone felt the back of Stinson’s hand ram straight into his genitals, causing an eruption of pain that instantly brought Giaccone back to high school. Stinson walked away, brushing the dirt off his shoulders. He went back to Stinson’s Village Store, where he spent the next eleven hours straight selling cases of satisfaction. He took no bathroom breaks for those eleven hours.
- James Engle ‘11
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we get it. you're in a frat. maybe you're proud of it. maybe you're compensating for it. but please stop pretending the "Greek system" is just one whole singular entity and that the IFC can do things. yeah there's a phase where you're like, "i'm the kind of person who's allowed to make these jokes." and then hopefully you follow with the realization that no one cares.
ReplyDeletedon't forget what we love about the dunyun. criticizing dartmouth from a smart distance, not whining on behalf of some of its shittiest people.
Anonymous is right, you should probably just stop writing about the Greek system altogether. It is in no way a part of life at Dartmouth and by writing about it you just make it seem like there are some people on campus who actually care about the issues surrounding it. Maybe put some more emphasis on places students actually hang out, you know, alternative social spaces, where the non shitty people hang out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, stop flip-flopping. Are you referring to the Greek System a singular entity or perpetuating individual stereotypes? I've heard it both ways.