In the past week, males across campus have been pleasantly surprised by the sudden appearance of attractive females, especially among the class of 2013.
Kendrick Monroe ’13 explained his exposure to the phenomenon, “Ya I saw a lot of hot ’13s last fall and a couple weekends in the spring but it’s like they just disappeared or something. Then last Saturday they decided to show back up again. I don’t even know where they came from but they were being herded around and were looking fucking good.”
A male resident of Topliff 1, who asked to not be named so as to not “soil his chances” with the newly discovered attractive girls, recalled one encounter, “I was just walking down my hall to get in the shower and all the sudden there was this pack of really hot girls. I have never seen even a remotely attractive girl on my floor; they’re usually shuffling back and forth to the bathroom in sweatpants. They don’t even wear real pants to class.”
Students arrived at their own conclusions about where these attractive girls came from. Jet Black ’13 hypothesized that they were “being bussed to Hanover just like the elderly leaf watchers since they’re taking pictures for a new brochure to send to prospective male students or something like that.”
When asked for comment, Elizabeth Perkins ’11 called it “stupid” and added, “I could look just as good if I wanted to.”
When three of these attractive girls were asked about their presence in Novack this afternoon, none answered since two were screaming and embracing uncontrollably while the third cried.
Psychology professor and attractiveness expert Robert Stursberg attributed the appearance of attractive girls to “5 to 8 Syndrome,” a common phenomenon during the second week of fall term.
The phenomenon is expected to peak this evening and steadily decline over the next three years.
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