“Cactus Project” Encourages Male Students to Get Better Acquianted with their Taint

On Monday, mirrors were distributed to the 1,769 males on campus this term. The mirrors were distributed as part of the “Cactus Project”, a program sponsored by the Inter-Fraternity Council that seeks to help campus men get better acquainted with their taint, also known as a grundle in common parlance. For those readers who are unaware, the taint is the region in between the scrotum and the anus. Reactions to the project have been mixed.

“Well, we figured that men already know their genitalia well enough,” said Cactus Project founder Misha Burton ’11. “They’ve definitely already spent hours looking at it, days combined touching it, and most have probably attempted to autofellate. But there’s a serious lack of awareness about men’s taints. Most men have never seen their taints before.”

What many men found surprised them.

“I found a Star Wars card that I have legitimately been missing for ten years,” said Charles Parford ’11. “I remember the day that I lost it clearly. It was a fall day, and I was jumping through piles of leaves with my Yoda card in hand. Next thing I knew, it was gone. And then I get this mirror and take a good look at my taint for the first time in my life, and there it is.”

When asked why no previous sexual partner could have identified the Star Wars card in his taint, Parford said that they “must have been busy doing other things,” and then winked at the Dunyun reporter. He refused to provide the names of any of the aforementioned sexual partners, citing confidentiality issues.

Other things found in taints include “a lot of hair,” “sooooooo much lint,” and “Suzy Bradley’s dignity.”

Another group of campus men were happy to receive mirrors, although their motives have nothing to do with their taints.

“So, the other night, I broke my old mirror,” said one member of the Class of 2011 who wished to remain anonymous. “I was really fucked up, and it slipped off of my coffee table and onto the floor. Thank God there was nothing on the mirror at the time. I’m just glad to have a mirror back, you know? Now that everyone in my frat has one, maybe we should throw a winter-themed party.”

Burton said that initial reports seem to show success for the project.

“Men have seemed much more self-aware in the days since they got their mirrors,” Burton said. “Also, the guys who I’ve encountered since then in the bedroom have all had shaved taints and bloody noses. I’m really not sure about the bloody noses, but the shaved taints were nice to see.”