Football Team Uses Study Hall as a Tactic to Ease the Curve

The football team has troubles with academics. Everybody knows that. And so, in an effort to improve the academic performance of the team, head coach Buddy Teevens ’79 instituted “Study Hall”, a time in which the entire football team must be at the library. The motives behind this decision are not what they would appear, however. On the surface, it would seem that Teevens instituted this policy in order to encourage his players to study. In fact, the team comes to the library during peak study hours in order to talk loudly and distract the rest of the student body, thereby easing the curve and indirectly aiding the academic performance of the team.

“The team’s GPA has skyrocketed since we started doing this,” Teevens said. “And I know that they wouldn’t study in the library, even if I told them to. There’s no way that that’s possible. I encourage them to “work” in the areas that are supposed to be most quiet in order to distract other students most fully. Nothing can screw up your studying more than somebody watching a Youtube video with full sound in the 1902 Room.”

Quentin Worth ’14, a newcomer to the team, gets the toughest assignments from the upperclassmen.

“They tell me to talk about pong for an hour straight at one of the tables on Third Floor Berry,” Worth said. “It’s really hard to be so clearly distracting to all of my classmates. But this is my duty to the football team, and I have to pay my dues as a freshman. I might actually like to study during this time, but coach’s orders are coach’s orders.”

Students studying in the library were unaware of the reasons behind the football team’s distractions, but suspected foul play.

“It’s like they’re intentionally trying to screw up my studying,” said one member of the Class of 2012 who wished to remain anonymous. “I could probably do better on my test tomorrow if I just went home and started doing bong rips right now. It’s not just that I can’t get any work done. It’s also that I get so frustrated. I know I’m going to go to sleep pissed off. At least weed and a funny movie would relax me.”

The football team has other plans in the works to distract the student body from their studies, although none have officially been put into motion. Potential ideas discussed include pulling fire alarms, inviting Snooki to campus, and actually having a party at GDX.