Faulty Paddles Responsible for Pong Loss

Clarence Macalester ’14 was incredibly excited for his first game of pong. After a month of timidly asking line and constantly berating his trip leader, a member of Alpha Delta fraternity, with blitzes, his trip leader finally relented.

However, Macalester’s first pong game did not go as planned. He explained the source of his problems, “There was definitely something wrong with my paddle. I kept returning my trip leader’s shots the same way but the ball was going all over the place. Sometimes it would go way left, sometimes right. My stroke wasn’t changing so it must have been the paddle; could’ve had something to do with the sandpaper shit on it, who uses that?”

Emily Harrington ’14, who watched the game while awkwardly trying to decide if she was allowed to take a Keystone Light from the case under the table, described his play, “He was definitely having problems with the paddle. He slammed it on the table after a couple missed shots. He kept staring into it longingly after his opponent sank his serve. He even yelled at it once.”

Macalester tried a paddle change mid-game to fix the problem. However, his attempt to remedy the problem was met with only a laugh and wink towards his “hot partner” from his trip leader.

When the second paddle made no difference, Macalester suggested that his trip leader was setting him up with faulty paddles, “to make things more fair.”

When asked for comment about the paddles, Macalester’s trip leader, Tommy "Spin City" Michaels ’11, Masters 09X Champion, just laughed.

After going to the opposite side of the basement to find a suitable paddle and switching sides with his partner, Macalester was able to “Launch a huge comeback” to avoid getting golden treed and lose by only 9 fulls. 

Macalester suggested that the lack of viable paddles at AD was a reflection on the house’s pong skill, “I had the same problem at Chi Gam. My boy Jeremy played at Theta Delt and there was something wrong with their paddles too. When we went to Zete their paddles were fine. I'm pretty sure Zete takes their pong much more seriously.”

In a yearlong study conducted by the Dunyun, paddles were found to be the fourth leading cause of losses in pong, trailing only the play of one’s partner, having an “off night” and the level of inebriation. Pong skill was not listed in the top ten.