President Kim Sends an Honest Blitz to Campus

Today, this happened. Or it might as well have.

Date: Mon, 25 Oct 2010 14:27:31 EDT

From: "President Jim Yong Kim"

Subject: Flag Football on the Green

To: All Students:;

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Dear Students and Future Benefactors,

I'm looking forward to celebrating Homecoming with you this weekend, even though I'll have to bar my windows again and lock my family away so as to save them from the sight of you drunken ingrates trying desperately to complete the so-called "Dartmouth Seven." You repulse me. As always, please have fun, but also be safe, (but take the used condoms with you). Look out for your classmates and do not hesitate calling Safety and Security for assistance if you accidentally shit your pants. You need to go to a hospital, seriously.

To kick off the festivities, I would like to invite you to join me for a College-wide flag football tournament on the Green this Wednesday, October 27.

A Class of 2014 team will face the Class of 2013 at 4 p.m., followed by a duel between the '12s and the '11s beginning at 4:25 p.m. Let's be honest, one of them has to go. These budget cuts are really starting to grind me. Half those assholes don't even try anymore. And then once the '12s have dueled the '11s to their deaths, we can rent out the extra rooms to visiting leafpeepers for outrageously high prices. Dolla dolla billz y'all.

The winning and hopefully wounded teams from each of those games will then join me to take on a team of graduate students, faculty, and staff at 5:00 p.m. I will not play defense or special teams. I will play quarterback ONLY. Please keep in mind that you are young and sprightly compared to these old sacks of carpal-tunnel ridden academics who probably always got picked last for kickball teams, so don't get so drunk that you tackle someone and break his/her hip. But have no mercy--I don't lose. This entire event is a great photo opportunity for me to be seen on the Dartmouth homepage throwing a football around, so bring your A game or don’t bother to show up. See you on the Green!

Sincerely,

Jim Yong Kim

President

P.S. PLEASE stop blitzing me about your extra Ke$ha tickets. I don't want one! Like I would be caught dead at a performing arts event which doesn't involve a single athletic element. Scalp that shit outside the Lev.