Career Fair Gives Undergraduates a Chance to Practice Real-World Skills

The recent “Employer Connections” fair, hosted annually by Career Services, brought a variety of employers from such diverse fields as finance, consulting, finance, consulting, and Teach for America to Alumni Hall so that students could learn more about the companies and practice skills that they will need in the real world. These skills include fellatio, female fellatio (I feel like there’s a word for this…), pretending to care, coming to terms with that creeper who still exists even though s/he graduated, and nodding your head. These skills will be absolutely necessary when interviews and corporate recruiting come around, but for now, it’s just practice.

“My figurative fellatio skills were completely off,” said Robert Richman ’11, who attempted figurative fellatio on seven consulting firms and nineteen finance firms. “I was just figuratively fellating with my mouth, telling them how great their company was. I should have been figuratively fellating with my hands as well, gesticulating about the wonders of their industry. Gotta remember the hands in the future.”

Other students used the opportunity to cement their abilities to nod their heads.

“Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down,” said Lisa Isles ’12. “You can’t go ‘up, up’ or ‘down, down’ unless there’s a cue. Unless you’re a pro, just stick to the basic rhythm. I didn’t learn this from Career Services, obviously. They’re useless when it comes to anything other than finance or consulting. A family friend had to help me out with the nodding thing.”

Awkward run-ins were also a staple of the Career Fair.

“So I’m asking this guy about how his finance marketing consulting think-tank buzzword firm operates on a day-to-day level, and the whole time I’m thinking, ‘Does he remember? Does he?’” asked Mary Quince ’13. “He threw up right before we started making out last fall, but he had packed a lip with mint dip in the meantime, so his mouth was fresh. I hear booting helps sober you up, so maybe he remembers? He did have this little grin on the whole time. Shit. I’ll never know.”

Besides the skills necessary for awkward run-ins, seniors found the different skill sets required for figurative male and female fellatio also different, and practice is required to become proficient.

“You can’t really use both hands for figurative female fellatio. It just doesn’t work. Keep one hand in your pocket while you gesticulate with the other about how great the company is. Maybe even put a few fingers down. You only need a couple. Sometimes you can make it work by just using your mouth (to talk), but a couple fingers to move around would help make your point.”