Breaking: The Dunyun Isn’t Funny Anymore

Today, the Dunyun investigates itself, as numerous reports continue pouring in from anonymous tipsters that the Dunyun is no longer funny. The shift from “funny” to “unfunny” appears to have taken place gradually over the past ten months, deteriorating at roughly the same rate as Bored at Baker’s popularity, the percentage of 14s who are virgins, your optimism about your future, and Nick Giacconne’s self esteem. By our calculations, the shift to “unfunny” was most clearly realized over the summer, which is possibly related to the fact that internships kill all joy and laughter, and Stephen and Frannie blacked out for three months.

Some of the Dunyun’s dissenters offer personal reasons for their growing hatred towards us. Dan Solomon ’13, whose roommate knows a guy who was hooking up with a girl who met Jayson Doubleday once or twice and thinks he’s “kind of a douche,” complains, “Yeah, once I submitted an article to them. The joke was like if booting actually produced real boots, how funny would that be? Pure comic gold. And they rejected it, those f-cking humorless morons. They are now officially less relevant than the Jacko. At least those guys say hi to me in the Sig Nu basement.” Other critics echoed the sentiment that the Dunyun reinforces stereotypes such as Phi Delts don’t care, the Brovertones is a hilarious name to reference, everything about sororities is superficial, and bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.

Kim Kelley, a ’14 who writes for the D and wants to remind our readers how much she loves the D and you should blitz her to get to know more, says, “See? This quote in itself no longer matters because you think this is already a joke about sexual assault, and you should be offended by it instead of laughing, no matter the context of the article itself.” She and others believe that any topic regarding anything that’s actually important or tragic should be off-limits from even being mentioned in a comedic context, which is why she avoids watching television or reading Shakespeare.

One anonymous tipster whom we caught up with while he was reading his comments aloud to friends on First Floor Berry confesses, “Yeah, I used to think the Dunyun was celebrating my frattiness, but after awhile they just started to make me feel bad about myself. There’s only so many times you can see your actions only slightly exaggerated and then mercilessly mocked before you start to catch on that maybe people are laughing at you, not with you.” He added, “Leave me alone! IT’S NOT FUNNY.”

Another common criticism of the Dunyun is that it does not appeal to more sophisticated taste: “I never even know any of the people they quote. And I mean, have a little dignity. I’m tired of the dick jokes,” says Hannah Bolton ’12. “Couldn’t they do real social commentary, like, something about the BP oil spill being caused by the Sun God’s lameness, or something…I don’t know, I’m not a comedian. But there’s no need for crudity.” Related reports from Bolton’s friends confirm that her favorite musician is Phil Collins, she flosses daily, and her favorite TV show is Everybody Loves Raymond.

The staffers of the Dunyun could not be reached for comment, because we were too busy hating women and laughing at funerals. Plus, since according to some sources we’re all in AD, we are permanently incapable of giving a fuck.