Administration Threatens Spoiled Students with More Renovations

Following the punishing renovations to Thayer (never forget) this summer, which widely expanded the dining hall inward, students fret the administration may enact further renovations if we continue to take our spoiling for granted. Several sources closely involved with administrative decisions confirm that these extensive renovations have been part of a concerted effort to minimize students’ unfounded sense of entitlement to dining and living spaces that generally leave room for personal space and that don’t look like the inside of a hospital.

“They want to put us in our place,” said one ’12 who preferred not to be named for fear they might start putting the Collis pastries behind glass. “I mean, I pick at those delicious treats while waiting for my stirfry every day, just like I used to do with the Pavilion cookies while waiting for that checkout guy to slide everyone’s card at his creepily slow pace. I didn’t realize what I was missing till it was gone. How could I have been so stupid and selfish?“ Many other students the Dunyun reached for comment shared the same sense of regret. Debra Hopkins ’11 explains, “Yeah, that’s H-O-P-K-I-N-S…as in the Hopkins Center. What was the question? Oh, right. Every time Homeplate is crowded and I end up having to sit at the same table as at least three of my mistakes and some of my better decisions, trying not to look like I’m eating too much, I definitely feel regret. A lot of regret.”

The Dunyun’s investigation revealed that the move was deliberate on the part of the Administration. “Well, we had a couple brainstorming sessions and determined that the problem with kids these days is they’re too spoiled. Everything at their fingertips, all the Halal and Kosher foods they could ever dream of, plus cookies so soft they’re like hot cookie dough, and they were still trying to sneak past the checkout line. They don’t deserve it,” explained an administrative insider wearing a “Team Wright” t-shirt. “You see entitlement everywhere at this school. People stealing left and right from DDS, complaining when they leave their bike unlocked and someone takes it. This isn’t nursery school. That’s why we made Home Plate look like a prison cafeteria—to remind those snotty little whippersnappers who’s boss.” He added, “Bitches.”

Nowhere is this overwhelming entitlement more obvious than in Collis, because only rich people are vegans. Greta Lindbergh ’11, the presidential intern, warns that the administration has been toying with the idea of renovating Collis by putting hot dog carts on either side of the salad bar. Collis Ray is expected to man both stations. “ They’re saying things like ‘They’ll never stop complaining about over-stirfried tofu until they’ve witnessed a couple of trampling deaths.’ I’m scared.” Students are advised to stop wearing backpacks in Collis and simply walking out the back door with thirty bags of Cheez-Its for that potluck you almost forgot about when the checkout line is too long.

Many students and faculty alike feel that the enormous expense put into these renovations simply to make everything smaller, worse and more inconvenient may not be worth the results. When questioned as to these concerns, a “Team Kim” insider replied, “Think of it like a breast reduction. Get it now?”

No.