Misleading BlitzMail Subject Line Leads to Erroneous Boner

    According to a report by Dartmouth Safety & Security, student Ken Jenkins ’12 fell victim to BlitzMail crime last Wednesday after he opened an e-mail message from another Dartmouth student, who has been identified as Kelli Brown ’11. Jenkins is the latest in a long line of students who have been preyed upon by devious peers who are willing to employ any means necessary to locate their North Face jackets, including blackmail, libel, identity theft, and misdemeanor sexual assault.
    The victim was drawn to the e-mail message by its subject line, “I Want to Fuck,” accompanied by Brown’s name in the “Sender” column. Jenkins had been romantically interested in Brown since midway through the Fall term, when she brushed up against him in the Food Court grill line as she reached to grab her Tuna Melt. Jenkins experienced what Safety and Security is describing as “being past the boner of no return” when he opened the message and it continued: “…ing kill whoever took my North Face. Please PLEASE return it, I promise there will be a reward!”
    “I really thought that the message was directed towards me,” Jenkins said, seemingly on the verge of tears, “and I got really excited. I opened the Blitz with a smile on my face but…I…I guess my optimism was undeserved.” The sophomore has since renounced his love for   Brown, saying that the misleading subject line made him realize she would not be a trustworthy companion. He is also currently attending a nighttime class focused on teaching victims of BlitzMail crime how to read the contents of the “Recipient” column. “That’s one boner I’ll never make again,” Jenkins said in his official statement to Safety & Security.
    Brown composed the message at approximately 2:54 AM Wednesday morning after misplacing her fleece, credit card, cell phone, and passport at Chi Heorot Fraternity. Fearing the permanent loss of her black North Face jacket, worth an estimated $83.50, she decided to Blitz out to campus in hopes that a Good Samaritan would return her precious possession.
    “You can keep the credit card, my BlackBerry, and my passport,” Brown’s e-mail continued, “and I’ll make sure to return the favor if you reunite me with my jacket ;P”
    In a statement Brown recorded for Safety & Security, she admits that she intentionally made her subject line suggestive to “get people to read [her] Blitz.” “People are definitely going to help me find my North Face now that they know I lost it,” she continued, “and it’s all thanks to my unparalleled sex appeal and wit. It makes me proud to be a Dartmouth girl.”
      Brown’s black North Face is still at large.
    Campus police are currently investigating the incident as part of a wider inquiry concerning Dartmouth students’ inappropriate use of dishonest, vague, or ambiguous language to accomplish selfish goals. In another case, a mendacious freshman has been accused of lying about his class year in an attempt to gain access to the “box” of a female senior.
    Safety & Security will be keeping us updated on the progress of their investigations as they continue searching for a solution to the ever-growing problem.
A parallel case involves a group of traumatized students who opened a Blitz with subject “tonight” to find an invitation to an Alpha Theta “DP” party, co-sponsored by Fleshlight and the Co-Ed Council.

-Bob Roberts ‘13