Byrne Family to Outdo Itself and Donate “Byrne III”

    In an unprecedented display of philanthropy and lack of shame, the Byrne family will pay for the third College building to be named in honor of itself, Byrne III, succeeding Byrne II, the residence hall in McLaughlin, and Byrne, the dining hall for the Tuck School of Business. The numbering of his buildings, according to a representative of the Byrne family, is for the convenience of students. It eliminates any confusion over which of the many buildings that he donated someone would be referring to. It has, the representative said in an interview with The Dunyun, “absolutely nothing to do with self-calling.”
    The problem of confusing Dartmouth buildings with the same name has been around for ages. For years, seasoned seniors have shown up to Thayer Dining Hall and been confused why there was no Robotics class. One member of the Class of 2011 reported that when a friend told her to meet by McLane before heading to the river, she walked all the way to McLane Ski Lodge before realizing her mistake. It would be obvious, said the Byrne family representative, how anyone could mistake an engineering school for a dining hall, or an undergraduate dorm for a ski lounge. Many students have gone to Rauner, the freshman dorm, looking for rare books, only to be disappointed. Or, in the case of the two Byrne buildings on campus, anyone could mistake a graduate student dining hall for a freshman dorm. Really, anyone could easily make that mistake.
    When Byrne II was constructed, its working name was “Byrne the Billionaires.” This, according to the representative, was for the dual purpose of helping students to avoid confusion, while also letting people know that the family had achieved billionaire status. At the time of the construction of the original Byrne Hall, the family was only on the multi-millionaire level. As soon as the College’s Media Relations Office got wind of the proposed name, however, they quashed the idea. Upon hearing the news, the Byrne family withdrew its funding. It was only after a sit-down meeting with then-President Wright that they agreed to continue funding, if they were allowed to number the buildings. The argument that finally brought them to his senses, said the representative, was when Wright asked them “to be big boys and be really brave.”
    Sources close to the Byrne family have intimated that the third Byrne building is to replace Moosilauke Lodge, which is currently in a state of disrepair. The representative was unable to deny or confirm these rumors. He did, however, say, “it would be even more necessary to number the buildings if the third building were really far away. What if you made that mistake and had to walk fifty miles to get back to campus? That’s what I’m trying to avoid. I’m looking out for the welfare of the students.”
    When asked by The Dunyun about the numbering of the Byrne buildings, freshman residents of Byrne II said, “There’s a Byrne I? I thought the buildings were just named after some guy who was ‘the second.’ You know, like junior.”
    This reporter did not go any further into the matter, as Byrne Dining Hall is a secret that must be heavily guarded from the freshmen.