Croo Shows to be Replaced by Public Group Masturbation

In an effort to revamp the decades-old tradition of greeting new students about to embark on their first-year DOC trips with colorful skits and musical numbers, Trips Director Allison Stamford ’09 proposed yesterday that H Croo and Lodj Croo perform public group masturbation next Fall rather than the “same old song and dance.” Though greeted with skepticism by some in the Administration, the reaction by most students heavily involved in Trips has been overwhelmingly accepting and even enthusiastic. Stamford, a former H Croo Chief herself, explains, “Let’s be honest, it’s pretty much the same thing.”

For years, the competitive Croos have been made up of students who reflect some of the most diverse interests on campus, including membership in KDE sorority or Sig Ep fraternity, participation in student assembly, membership in the Dog Day Players or the Dodecaphonics, membership in KDE sorority or Sig Ep fraternity, eating in Collis, or being a minority for the all-important “diversity factor.” Being a member of KDE sorority or Sig Ep fraternity also greatly increases one’s chances of being selected for a Croo. Though these standards will not change, the true purpose of membership on a Croo will be made more transparent. Rather than touting their function as a silly, fun welcoming committee who wants to be friends with all the incoming freshmen and help them navigate the scary and confusing waters of college, they will openly embrace their true goals of facetime and self-gratification.

Stamford admits that though she was hesitant about the idea at first, fearing backlash from those who had “really great ideas” about finding ways to condescend to 18-year-olds about not hooking up on Trips by changing the lyrics to Spice Girls songs (“If you wanna be my leader, you can’t get in my pants”), she thought it was the best way to move Trips in the right direction. “Every Fall, there’s this awkward problem when freshmen think they can just go up and talk to Croo members they recognize around campus with their hair dyed. As if. Like they really want friends with no social status. The hair is so that everyone knows they were on a Croo, not because they’re there to socialize with awk randos. Sure, asking for autographs is fine, but would you go up to a celebrity and try to ask questions about why Tri Kap was so fun on Monday, but why wasn’t anyone there on Friday? And why was it only freshmen? Take a hint; they don’t want to know you personally. Unless you’re on Dog Day or Dimensions or something.” Public masturbation seems to be a more straightforward way to get the point across that the Croo shows are more about the performers than the audience, which is a common misconception. Explains Stamford, “The world doesn’t revolve around the freshmen. It revolves around us.”

Former Croo member Danielle Donner ’10 sought the Dunyun out for an interview as soon as the news was announced in order to “get my name in print…I mean…I want to clear up a few things about the new approach from the perspective of a real Croo member. You know, I’ve been on H Croo twice now. They would have chosen me three times but it’s against the rules. But I dyed my hair last year anyway to show solidarity and to make sure people knew I was on a Croo. Just because it was a year earlier doesn’t mean anything. That’s just semantics. I’m still here to make freshmen feel welcome and I still know how to write a kickass ditty about pooping in the woods. Wait, what was the question?” There wasn’t one. “Make sure you print that I was on Sheba Lite and the Summerphonics. I’m rush chair at Sigma Delt too, but maybe you can make a typo and write KDE instead? Oh, and I organized a service trip to Guatemala. I carry around pictures of me with poor minority babies if you want to print those!”

The Dimensions show is expected to remain unchanged, since the prospective students still have the chance to choose a different school, so implanting the misguided belief in them that upperclassmen actually care about them remains a necessity.