In a stunning breach of security, thousands of Dartmouth Computing Service blitzes were released today, revealing that Dartmouth Secure and Dartmouth Public administrators are very aware of adult site visitation.
In one of the blitzes, head of Dartmouth Computing Services, Barney Krump writes to a fellow employee, “This Tuck student James Randon has watched seventeen RedTube videos today. Holy shit man. Kid must get no ass!”
The release of the e-mails was triggered by a Trojan Horse that attacked a Dartmouth Computing Service employee’s computer. There have been allegations that the Employee member was actually browsing RedTube when the Horse attacked and “should have gotten a Mac”.
A blitz from DCS employee Nigel Thorne reads, “These kids watch so much porn. Like look at this history: Porn Hub, Wikipedia, The Economist, Red Tube, Wall Street Journal, You Jizz. Study and jerk it. That’s all some of these kids must do. Disgusting.”
President Jim Kim released a statement to campus, “Now, um, we’d like to apologize for the obvious privacy intrusion done by Dartmouth Computing Services. Actions are being taken to punish the perpetrators and in the meanwhile, please delete your histories. Control H works on most computers.”
The Dartmouth student body has been severely shaken by the blitzes, and Student Body president James Rogers ’10 reported, “This is just terrible. Everyone has a right to his/her own Internet privacy. Why would you call it Dartmouth Secure then? And what the fuck does Kiewit Voice do anyway? Is that like their nudie communication system?”
Campus Security officers have termed the scandal Mastur-Gate and hearings will begin next week.
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