Crime Committed at Winter Rush; Girl Not Let into Kappa

    Late on Monday night, Hanover Police responded to a call from Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, where “a crime [had] been committed by not letting Susie Samuelson ’12 into Kappa.” The aforementioned girl, who sources indicate is “the nicest girl in the world,” was only denied entry to the sorority “because she isn’t cookie-cutter blonde and doesn’t have the same social cache as other girls” who were given bids to the sorority.
    When Hanover Police arrived at the scene, they found Riana Jacobs ’11 standing in front of the assembled sisterhood, crying and wailing hysterically.
    “This was bad,” said one of the police officers who was present. “I’ve dealt with some pretty messed up stuff in my time. Stuff that you probably can’t publish because it would be too offensive.”
    This is The Dunyun, bitch. Try me.
    “Anyways, like I was saying, I’ve dealt with some really messed up stuff. Hanover’s a hotbed of criminal activity, so I thought I’d be de-sensitized to the stresses of crime scenes. But this was something else. This girl was crying inconsolably. She wouldn’t even let anybody touch her. The worst part was the way the other girls were acting. They very clearly did not care about her sadness or about the Samuelson girl.”
    Rachel Martin ’10, Kappa’s rush chair, denied these allegations.
    “We delib every girl and give her a fair chance, even if she is some awk rando that nobody cares about and should never have gotten past the first round and is only getting any consideration beyond five minutes because she’s cousins with some girl in the house, even if that particular girl almost got us put on probation for having sex at formal with a guy who, just for the record, definitely has STDs. Oh, shit, it’s STIs now. Whatever. He’s got ‘em. And besides, this girl is a straight-up ‘nice, but.’ I mean, beige cardigan written all over her. Ugh.”
    When Hanover Police attempted to console Jacobs, she lashed out at them, saying, “Don’t even pretend like you understand. Frat rush is nothing compared to sorority rush.”
    After this, at approximately 11:23 p.m., Jacobs ran upstairs to “get over being associated to such a bunch of heartless bitches.” At 11:28 p.m., an anonymous source posted on the popular Dartmouth gossip blog, Bored@Baker, the following message: “Which is hotter, the tears streaming down Riana Jacobs’s face or a piping-hot Northside Cuttings Café calzone???” The post, at the time of publication of this article, received eight newsworthies, six agrees, and nine disagrees. The Dunyun posted an agree.
    Hanover Police, unsure how to respond to the situation, went to Susie Samuelson’s room to determine if she truly is “Kappa material,” which would then inform them as to whether or not a crime was actually committed. However, as soon as Samuelson opened the door to her room, Hanover Police had their answer.
    “First and foremost,” one of the officers reported, “on the binary scale, this chick was an undebatable zero. And she was in on a Monday night, which eliminates any possibility that she’s that rare girl who may not be much to look at, but is fun to party with. Not Kappa material. Case closed.”
    When asked about the resolution of the case, Jacobs said, “I love all of my new sisters! The little Kappa babies are just so cute!”