AD Embraces Honesty; Replaces “Super Tails” with “Gettin’ Tail(s)”

Controversy arose on the Greek scene this week when Alpha Delta Fraternity decided to change the theme of its termly tails event “Super Tails” to “Gettin’ Tail(s).” The guest list, which previously included the three sororities deemed most “dick-hardening” by general consensus of the brothers, has been reformed to include girls across campus who are “most likely to actually get it wet,” Arthur Andrews ’10, social chair of AD, explained to the Dunyun. Now, instead of having open season on unwitting pledges from KDE, Kappa, and TriDelt, the brothers are only inviting women who “really know what they’re getting themselves into. You very well may be ejaculated on at a moment’s notice. Not all girls are down with that, surprisingly.”

Social chairs at the slighted sororities, however, are none too happy with the news. “This is what our sisters look forward to every term: the chance for unbelievably half-naked drunk guys to grind on them. I just don’t know what we did wrong! We try to keep it klassy [ed. Note: she insisted we spell it this way] ,but we still want guys to hang out with us. Only, like, half our house was invited. This is bound to cause a rift between the girls deemed penis-eager and those deemed cockteases, and it’s simply bad for our cohesiveness as a sisterhood,” Kappa social chair Lily Walters ’10 explained. Social chairs at Kappa Delta Epsilon and Delta Delta Delta expressed similar concerns about the internal conflict that this decision has caused in their houses, though both were quick to assure the Dunyun that most of their sisters would not be caught dead at Super Tails anyway, and they were already halfway-boycotting it kind of. The widespread response, however, was simply confusion at why the change was instituted. “Since when were frat guys so honest about their intentions? That’s really bad game,” said Heather Sunshine, ’11 TriDelt. “Plus, what’s with the parenthetical s? Are you supposed to pronounce it or what? Is that, like, a pun? Seriously, these dudes are making Casual Thursday-level jokes. Pretty soon even the most voracious of cockhunters are going to give up on them.”

Brothers at Alpha Delta have, overall, embraced the change and the transparency that goes along with it, Andrews explained. “The previous system was too P.C., you know. We invited entire sororities because that way it at least kind of seemed like we wanted to socialize with other houses, instead of creating the easiest environment to get ass. But who did we think we were fooling? The 3 to 1 ratio is clearly in our favor. This way, we are maintaining that ratio, but making it a true poonmine by inviting the same number of girls, but only girls who are certifiably DTF. Yeah, there’s a certificate. You can get it at the post office.”

Many sorority women who never complained about Super Tails before being uninvited are now protesting the decision in light of the problematic understanding of women’s roles in Greek socializing. Many argue that it is clearly offensive to only want to include sexually willing girls on their social roster, and that these determinations often come from a fraternity mindset that objectifies women. While the phrase “DTF” does not seem totally quantifiable, Beth Wrighter ’10, president of MAV, explains, “It’s basically a code word for calling a woman a slut, except this way she is allowed to exercise her own agency in expressing her sexuality. Let’s be fair; some women just love the dick. And there’s no reason that anyone needs to be ashamed of that. At the same time, just because you’re DTF doesn’t mean it’s okay to be objectified. But Pizza Hut has the meatlover’s pizza; why shouldn’t AD provide a buffet for dicklovers?”

Sales of the morning-after pill and pubic lice shampoo are expected to skyrocket after the change is implemented.