Student Assembly Proposes Facebook Farmville App as an “Alternative Social Space”

For years now, there has been debate among the student body and those in the administration about the widespread social power of the Greek scene on Dartmouth campus. Many question whether it is healthy for thousands of 18-22 year olds to live in a frigid wasteland where the only outlet for relief from various emotional and psychological stresses is getting blackout drunk in fraternity basements on piss-flavored beer as often as possible, and the few dismal bars in town actually ID you, and the alternative entertainment options offered by the College include watching movies at the HOP, i.e. Superbad, so you can enjoy watching even younger kids get drunk instead of stooping to such illegal activity yourself, and wondering to yourself at night, “Where is the clitoris really? I hope I know by my wedding night,” and sometimes calling your parents but calling them “Dude” or “Bro” when a pretty girl walks by so she knows you’re legit even if you aren’t in that A-side frat, and pretending you have a lot of work to do so people don’t question why you are in the library on Friday night watching anime porn.

Methods of addressing the issue of the uneven balance of social power that the Greek scene holds have included the concerted effort on the part of Student Assembly to suggest the creation of alternative social spaces whenever election season rolls around. These suggestions have ranged from vehement to offhand during student body president debates, and have even led to such concrete results as dance parties in Thayer filled with students who got drunk at other parties earlier in the night and the token few sober kids in the corner. Now, it appears that student body president Katie Ebanks ’10 is taking a step towards making every student feel comfortable on campus by establishing Facebook as an official “alternative social space,” and even throwing online parties complete with Facebook chat and Farmville exchanges. The move has already been praised by many across campus who structure their social lives around Facebook exchanges already.

“We were approaching everything all wrong before,” Ebanks explains. “The kind of students who want to go to parties want to go to actual parties. With alcohol. Not these eighth-grade dance ripoffs with Soulja Boy. That kind of bad music is only forgivable during Trips. Alternative social spaces should focus on something other than parties, since the people who really need these ‘alternative spaces’ are looking for something alternative to socializing with real, breathing human beings, who can be mean and scary, or downright uncomfortable to be around if they are sexually attractive. Facebook makes everything impersonal and comfortable. No pressure.”

Andrew Lee ’13 was one of the first to respond to the Facebook event invitation. When reached for comment about the new social space, he showed great enthusiasm for the idea. “When SA throws those alternative parties, it just doesn’t do it for me. People come in smelling of alcohol and bump-and-grinding or what have you, and it just makes me feel like a barbarian. I kind of like that feeling, but it is also disconcerting when my pants get warm. Facebook is easy because I don’t have to talk to girls directly, but I can insinuate sexual stuff, like, ‘Wanna fertilize my crops?’ Awesome! But I can only fertilize them digitally because I get asthma attacks when people touch me.”

Cindy Miller ’11, another member on Student Assembly, says she expects many people on campus will react in the same way as Lee. “You know, living out your fantasies online is appealing to more people than are willing to admit it. Everybody goes on Bored at Baker sometimes and asks if anyone is DTF, just to see who responds. Then you can imagine what would happen after that without the pesky business of having to know someone’s name or touch human skin. That’s what gave us the idea. Living your life through the internet is so much easier than actually leaving your room. Anyone can tell you that! And you can be a really impressive farmer without looking good or being good at sports. Pretty soon, people will be talking about A-side farms and B-side farms, and getting good players to accept your friend requests will just be like getting a bid at the frat you want. It’s genius.”

Anyone who participates in these alternative social spaces is expected to receive an automatic ding from IFC and Panhell. Which is kind of a relief for all parties involved.