GPA Officially Found to be Inversely Correlated to Penis Size

In a joint effort between Student Assembly’s Course Review system and researchers at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center, a new report has been released that indicates a nearly perfect inverse correlation between penis size and grade point average. The study did not indicate any causality in this relationship, although future research has been planned in this direction.
Many heritage groups on campus have caused an uproar over the racial implications of such a finding. However, as causality has not been established, the racial implications as far as stereotypes are still inconclusive. However, as one defender of the research said, “Stop complaining, all of you. Either way, you win. Think about it.”
Future investigations into the indications of penis size on a larger scale have to do with median income ten years out of college. Some proponents of the “penis size” school of thought claim that Dartmouth graduates have the highest median income ten years after college due to a disproportionately high number of men on campus with big penises. Sororities around campus are disputing this claim, some even offering evidence.
The penis size debate has raised a new issue from an unexpected group: the faculty. Given the inverse correlation between GPA and penis size, some faculty members are refusing to grade papers and tests from their male students, claiming that they could simply “save the time” and have the men “pull their pants down.” Sheila Martin of the English Department, head of the “Not Argumentative Strength, Just Penis Length” movement, claims that sexism has nothing to do with her decision to stop grading papers.
“If they found a female equivalent to this, then I would fully expect my male colleagues not to grade any papers from female students. It’s just a waste of time. We deserve more time for our research.”
This claim has sparked debate amongst alumni as to the mission of faculty at Dartmouth: undergraduate teaching, or research. Martin apologized for her comment soon after, and said that her “number one concern is the students.”
Professors in the Women and Gender Studies Department, angry at not seeing the benefits of this new scientific knowledge, are pushing for a female equivalent to the penis size correlation, hoping to no longer have to grade anything at all.
Joshua Levy, the only male professor in the Women and Gender Studies Department, claims to have observed a similar inverse correlation between breast size and grade point average, excepting “when the professor bumps up the grade for big [breasts].” To be completely sure, however, he would have to see many female students’ breasts in order to be scientifically accurate. “And,” he says, “not with the shirt on. They can be deceptive. And it doesn’t count if the girl’s fat and has big [breasts]. That’s cheating.”
Colleagues of Levy’s say that he is “just being creepy” and is “looking for a free show.”
Jenny Roberts ’12, owner of the “best boobs on campus”, according to JuicyCampus, could not be reached for comment. The Registrar’s office has so far denied access to her academic transcript, even in the name of science. She has deactivated her Facebook account.
The Dunyun will continue to report on the “penis size” issue as more information becomes available.