Campus Amazed Phi Delt Cared Enough to Evacuate

Following the devastating fire on Sunday morning that caused significant damage to Phi Delta Alpha’s physical plant, the campus is left reeling at the news that the brothers actually evacuated and do not plan to continue living in the ash-coated rubble that remains.

“I’m in shock, really,” said Andrew Whistler ’12, who almost pledged the fraternity but, due to his fear of the “really hard pledge term,” went Sig Ep instead. “It’s just amazing that no one was hurt. I mean, those dudes don’t give a s***. Their favorite drink comes from a trashcan. This was Sunday morning. How could it be that not a single one of them was having morning sex with some chick from the night before? I mean, oh yeah, it’s Phi Delt. But still, how could it be that nobody was passed out in that chimney, or too stoned to get out in time? I would have guessed most Phi Delts would just be like ‘Gimme ten more minutes,’ but I guess they took the evacuation seriously. It’s a miracle. Maybe they told them the first 5 dudes to make it outside would get bids to AD.”


According to fire codes determined by the town of Hanover and enforced by the town’s fire marshal, the house is unlivable at this point. Most brothers living in the house could not salvage any of their belongings from the fire. Stan Grossman ’11, who was living in the house at the time of the fire, has had to rely on other students for clothing donations. “It’s really hard. Like, I’m actually just gonna wear my old clothes anyway, even though they smell like soot and were maybe on fire. Big deal. I don’t need any clothing donations. My plan is to sell the new clothes on EBay so I can replace the bong I lost. That’s seriously the worst part. That baby was like four hundred bucks. Irreplaceable.”

Lawrence Rutherford ’10, a member of Palaeopitus who has taken charge of the drive for clothing and other necessities for the brothers who have lost their belongings, said that much of the surprise at the initiative taken by the Phi Delts is unwarranted. “Okay yeah, I guess I was surprised as anyone that they would really care that much about leaving a burning building. But the demand for replacement belongings should really come as no surprise to anyone. Some of these guys lost really valuable stuff: autographed Weird Al CD’s, posters from like 40 years ago, pairs of panties from that one time they had sex, giant styrofoam fists that doubled as cupholders, the list goes on and on. This stuff is priceless. Even the most apathetic and unwashed of Phi Delts would care at least a little bit.”

Despite the widespread amazement at Phi Delt’s evacuation, overall student reaction has been sympathetic and optimistic. Lindsay Daniels ’13, a resident of Bissell in the Choates, expressed to reporters, “I just think it’s really upsetting. My friends and I will have to try to steal beer from Chi Gam now, and you can only do that when someone leaves a stick in the back door. But thank God I won’t have to listen to ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ every goddamn day anymore. I mean, come on, guys. There are way better Dylan songs. Hopefully when they come back, they’ll rise like a phoenix from the ashes. A phoenix who doesn’t yell at girls from the balcony in a desperate attempt to cop a feel.”

Note: All joking aside, the Dunyun expresses our sincere regret about the devastating fire that occurred at Phi Delt and its terrible effects on the students living there. Our best wishes go out to them, and we welcome any Phi Delt brothers to recommend other ‘story leads’ about whoever you want to see get ripped a new one. Please blitz the account with suggestions.