Football Team to be Given “Thanks for the Curve” by Palaeopitus

    On Tuesday afternoon, in a move announced by Palaeopitus Chief Delegate Ryan Washington ’10, the senior society will move to offer sincere thanks to the Dartmouth football team “for the curve.” Although the reasons behind the decision and the methods that will be employed for showing the thanks are unclear, critics are universally hailing the move as one that will bring Dartmouth closer together.
    The whole idea for the thanks, said Washington, dates all the way back to his freshman fall, when he was taking an introductory Astronomy course.
    “I was freaking out,” Washington said. “I had studied and everything, but I was completely drawing a blank on the answers. Then I turned to stretch and saw that the entire back two rows of the class were football players. And I thought, ‘Man. I really need to thank them for the curve.’”
    With the increased confidence in his academic abilities given to him by the football team, Washington is now pursuing an honors thesis in neuroscience.
    “I know that I’m not alone on this issue. And Astro wasn’t the only class where I seriously needed to thank football players for the curve. Whenever I see those Greek symbols that look like a blank game of Hangman, a triangle, and then an X, I know that that’s one more question that I can get wrong on my exam and still get an A.”
    While ideas for the actual implementation of the thanks are still in the brainstorming phase, some ideas have surfaced as the forerunners.
    “At first somebody suggested that we all actually go to the football games,” said Tayla Jones ’10, another delegate of Palaeopitus. “But we’re not trying to torture ourselves, here. We need to do something that will both help them feel our appreciation, while not making us want to fall down the concrete steps of Memorial Field so [Safety and Security] will have no choice but to take us away from there.”
    Current ideas include “kegs, a nasty pool thing like Phi Delt[a Alpha] had over the summer, and a lifetime supply of Muscle Milk ™.”
    Other delegates of Palaeopitus have suggested offering appreciation for the curve to other athletic teams, such as the hockey, baseball, and basketball teams. This move has been met with a majority approval. The minority of the society, however, believes that the most effective method for achieving the same goals would be to actually show hatred towards those groups that negatively affect the curve.
    “How many times have you looked around some class and seen all those goddamn pre-meds who care so f***ing much about their GPAs that they screw over the rest of us?” said minority leader Josh Marshall ’10. “I know that this is a movement that the student body can get behind. We could beat up the members of the Nathan Smith Society, or burn down [Kappa Kappa Kappa] and [Sigma Phi Epsilon] and [Sigma Nu]. No nerds left, no problem with the curve.”