Keystone Light Found to Contain Urine; Nobody Notices

Dartmouth undergrads Lily Buck ’11 and Joseph Schneider ’11 have discovered that the primary ingredient contained in Keystone Light beer is, in fact, urine. The students are Presidential scholars at the College who have been conducting scientific research for the last term under the guidance of their faculty mentor Dr. Jonathan Weiss. Their work focuses on an evaluation of the nutrition of Dartmouth students, including research on the potential fatal risks to Alpha Delta pledges’ health from eating Billy Bobs every day, the advantages and disadvantages of certain members of Kappa Kappa Gamma subsisting on a diet of only semen, cocaine, and salad, the phenomenon of freshmen women steadily gaining thirty to forty pounds over the course of their undergraduate experience, the detoxification properties of “booting and rallying,” and why eating at Collis always seems to result in uncontrollable flatulence. These and other research topics have resulted in varied and sometimes surprising results, but perhaps the most universally relevant of these is the recent finding that Keystone Light contains 45% urine.

Despite the seemingly unsettling nature of Buck and Schneider’s discovery, the publication of these results has not led to campus-wide outrage or upset as the student researchers predicted. Schneider explains, “We kept testing the liquid again and again, hoping we had made some sort of mistake. I mean, I know people always say we’re drinking piss, but I didn’t know it was actually true. The results were hard to detect at first, since urine is 95% water anyway, which I guess is how they get away with listing only water as the primary ingredient on the can, but there were definite and noticeable amounts of urea in the Keystone. I was pretty horrified, but I started telling my friends and they just, like, shrugged their shoulders. I thought when we published the results people would freak. But I guess they’re just used to it.”

Though not common practice in human civilization at large, it has become fairly commonplace for a Dartmouth student to come into bodily or oral contact with urine on a regular basis. Dunyun reporters interviewed several students as to their up-close and personal experiences with urine, and frequent answers included “hooking up with a drunk dude/chick who hosed the bed,” and sleeping there anyway, “reusing pong balls that fell on the floor in the piss-covered AD basement,” “peeing on frat row when really drunk and getting it all over my pants and shoes,” and “using a toothbrush found in a fraternity bathroom.” The most common answer, however, was “drinking those cans of piss.” Many students who provided this answer had not even been made aware of the study’s findings beforehand. Buck explains this widespread reaction: “First of all, apathy is cool. Obviously. Plus it’s free, and it gets you drunk. What more can you ask from beer? And how could you not know that nasty s*** was made of piss? Just taste it. It’s like if you poured seltzer in a frat toilet bowl and dipped your cup in. For real.”

When reached for comment, Jack Stinson just laughed.