Cave Drawings Found Near Hanover Spark Governance Debate Amongst Alumni

The cave drawings found by Association of Sixty-Somethings (ASS) spelunkers last weekend have re-ignited the heated governance debate amongst alumni. The drawings, which have been carbon-dated to the 3rd century B.C., depict a group of men standing around a table. On one side of the table, there are more men than on the other.
Jonathan Robertson ’76, an outspoken critic of the “parity” side of the governance debate, says that the cave drawings show a clear precedent for the Board of Trustees’s 2007 addition of eight new charter trustees, removing the age-old parity between charter and alumni-elected trustees.
“The table is a clear representation of the Board,” said Robertson. “And the men on the left, who outnumber the men on the right, clearly show the charter trustees. And the men on the right are the alumni-elected Trustees.”
If the New Hampshire Supreme Court confirms the cave drawings as a legal document, then they will predate and therefore supercede the oft-cited 1891 agreement between the College and the State of New Hampshire that indicated parity.
Opponents of the new evidence cite the fact that the cave drawings predate the founding of the College by approximately two thousand years and can therefore have no bearing on the parity issue. In response to these claims, Robertson said, “Just because those cave drawers were really, really smart and thought of the idea of a Board of Trustees around the same time that they invented the wheel, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t still a legally binding agreement.”
Surprisingly, the student response to this finding has been minimal.
Christopher Wallace ’11, a member of Bones Gate fraternity, said, “Umm… fuck the Trustees? I’m just here to rage.”
Rage on, buddy.
A representative of The Dartmouth Review approached The Dunyun with reactions to the finding, but everybody knows that nobody except The Dartmouth Review would ever publish anything that a Review person said. Nor, for that matter, would anybody ever care about anything that The Review said or did. Except, of course, a Review person.
Josh Arnold ’12, a staff writer for The Dartmouth, issued a sigh of defeat when he heard the news.
“OK, to be honest, I don’t even really understand what’s going on or even which side of the debate I should be on. I voted for Obama, so what does that mean?” said Arnold. “I’m the guy who covers all of this governance stuff, and every time that there’s some tiny little development about this, I have to write another article. All the articles are the exact same. It takes 700 words to re-explain what’s already happened and to hash out all the stupid details, and then only 100 words to show how people feel about it. This whole thing is really just a bunch of really old white dudes yelling at each other over something that nobody else cares about. So basically it’s like walking into the living room to find my uncles watching old boxing videos on ESPN Classic. Please just let it be over.”
The ASS spelunkers who discovered the cave drawings could not be reached for intelligible comment. One of them was, however, able to offer a loud grunt of discomfort.