Very Few Deaths at Room Draw This Year

Director of Housing Operations for the Office of Residential Life Rebecca Rothenberg was happy to report this morning that very few deaths were recorded after last night’s room draw. Rothenberg expressed satisfaction with the security measures put in place to minimize the casualty number. “I’d say it was a success, though I do want to stress that the final death tallies aren’t in yet,” she explains. “So I do want people to be prepared in case more bodies are recovered from the scene by the end of the day.” So far, Rothenberg assures us, no victims have been identified who didn’t “clearly have it coming.”

Last night, before the process of room draw officially commenced at 7:15, the Dunyun made sure to have a reporter on the scene to witness the behavior of the rabid, suite-hungry mob. Witness interviews were conducted afterward as well, though the extreme danger of being present for the process itself outweighed the Dunyun’s sense of journalistic duty (which is roughly equivalent to our sense of general decency, sense of empathy, and sense of humor). By all accounts, older competitors began arriving for room draw around 5 p.m. to beat the crowd, eyeing the opposition and creating alliances to strategize for the coveted McLane and McLaughlin suites, while underclassmen were furiously calculating the odds of getting a single on Mass Row and estimating the average number of kills each would have to achieve in order to avoid the dreaded 98-square footer next to the men’s bathroom with the toilet that flooded the hallway a record six times last term.

“The tension was overwhelming in the room,” reports Dan Anderson ’13. “Once it hit 7:10 I saw people start taking out butcher knives and sharpening them on rocks they brought themselves. What? This one kid blatantly mouthed ‘You’re gonna die’ at me. I actually had a pretty good number but was told if I didn’t ‘accidentally’ sign up late I could look forward to getting dinged from every house. It was either take the Lodge or take three years of social irrelevance. But it’s cool ‘cause I’m trying to do the Gusanoz challenge next year anyway. Eat there a thousand times in a month and Jim will give you 70 virgins after you die.”

Rothenberg stresses that this year’s relatively death-free room draw is a reflection of ORL’s commitment to student safety and comfort at all times, citing the practically infinitesimal number of instances in which a student rented a mattress filled with live animals or stuffed with anthrax, as well as their growing efforts to reduce death by radiator malfunctions. Such casualties, generally due to unexpected explosions or severe hypothermia, took the lives of a mere four students last year, a marked decrease since 2008.

Panhell president Dana Sparks ’11 is reportedly in talks with Rothenberg and other ORL staff members in order to implement some of their security strategies to reduce the number of rush-related deaths and attempted manslaughters on Pref Night this fall. She is optimistic that the goal survival rate of 85 percent can be achieved, but acknowledges however that “you’ve gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, right? And that’s what being in a sorority is all about. Knowing how to make a good omelet.”