Dartmouth Females to Look Good for the Second Time This Term

For the first time since the day of the Kentucky Derby, Dartmouth women are expected to look good this coming weekend. After months of witnessing North Face-covered women in Uggs, men on campus were ready this term to return to a campus filled with sundress-wearing girls who spend more than two minutes on their appearance before going out. This, however, was not the case. While men were excited to see women look good at Kappa Delta Epsilon’s Derby party and Alpha Chi Alpha’s Pigstick party, their elation quickly subsided when campus women immediately reverted to wearing sweatpants and putting their hair in ponytails. Theta Delta Chi’s 80s party saw women trade in their sweatpants for Spandex, but also saw them put their ponytails on the side of their heads, which decreases their sex appeal by 43%.
In anticipation of the number of pictures that will be taken this weekend, though, women will soon don their sundresses and booty shorts. One must look good in post-Green Key Facebook pictures, after all. Nicole Lawrence ’10 said that she is going to use this weekend as the perfect opportunity to show off her body.

“Look,” Lawrence said. “This is my time to shine. I looked cute at Derby. That got a few guys interested. And if I manage to look cute over Green Key, then I’ll be set as far as guys who are interested for the rest of the term. I don’t have any friends visiting from home and I’m way past pretending that I care that the alums are back. I’m so excited.”

Other women said that being the only girl dressed up made them feel self-conscious.

“I like to look good,” said Alexa Martin ’12. “But when all other girls think that putting on a V-neck t-shirt and some jeans is dressing up, then I feel self-conscious wearing my nice clothes. So I don’t.”

Men all over campus indicated their excitement for one of the only weekends when it’s acceptable and borderline required for girls to look nice.

“It’s like I forget that girls can look good,” said Mark Spitzer ’11. “I see them around, and it’s like, ‘Yeah, those are females.’ But I forget that they can really look attractive. And then, BAM! Derby happens, and everybody looks model-hot. At least relatively. And then it’s back to the normal terrible look. But maybe for a couple days at Green Key…”

Sexual activity forecasters do not, however, predict any increase in the amount of fornication that will occur over Green Key Weekend.

“You’d think there would be, but there won’t,” said Harold Rentman ’12, campus’s premier fornication forecaster. “As the hemlines go up, so do sense of self-worth, which everybody knows means less action all around. All of a sudden, girls don’t see the sense in standing around a basement at 3 a.m., waiting until a guy feels drunk enough to talk to her. They’d rather do weird things, like have fun and spend time with their friends.”

Even though the action this weekend will go down, the consensus was positive for the increased aesthetic appeal of Dartmouth’s women, elevating them from a rating of “Chicks” to “Hot Chicks.”