SLEEVE MONSTER APPREHENDED BY HANOVER POLICE

Around 2 p.m. on Sunday, Hanover Police apprehended “The Sleeve Monster”, a humanoid being whose official name is unknown. The Sleeve Monster was spotted at the Chiddy Bang concert in the grassy knoll between Kemeny Hall and Berry Library by a ’12 female who wished to remain anonymous, due to the sensitive nature of the information. The Sleeve Monster, who is most active during the fall term—the typical “pledge” term—and during Sophomore Summer, was expected to commit a string of crimes at fraternity bequests this coming week. The modus operandi for which the Sleeve Monster has become known is to sneak up on unsuspecting males, usually affiliated with a single-sex Greek organization, and snatch the sleeves off of their T-shirts and sweatshirts, leaving them sleeveless and alone.

“This is a gamechanger,” said Inter-Fraternity Council President Winston Blueblood ’11. “The Sleeve Monster has been the bane of many a fraternity brother’s existence. Some have had their entire wardrobes ravaged by him. Now that he’s gone, we’re really not sure what’s going to happen next.”

With the Sleeve Monster securely behind bars, campus fashion analysts anticipate an increase in the number of sleeves on campus, as men will now be able to purchase shirts without fear of losing the sleeves. This is expected to lead to a slight increase in body warmth, but a sharp decline in visits to the gym among the male population. Interestingly enough, this decline in visits to the gym by sleeveless males is expected to lead to an increase in female visits to the gym. Girlfriend around campus were also happy with the anticipated change.

“It was always so hard to shop for my boyfriend,” said one prominent campus girlfriend, Lindsay Lawrence ’10. “If I saw a really nice shirt, I’d always want to buy it for him, but I’d be afraid that the next time I saw it, it would have no sleeves. I didn’t blame him, because I knew that the Sleeve Monster was taking the sleeves, but it was still sad. Now I can buy him T-shirts that say funny things on them and not have to worry about that!”

The Sleeve Monster declined to comment on the motivations behind his crimes or the methods with which he executed them. The commonly accepted theory is that he stole sleeves to help fraternity members assuage their insecurities.

While unconfirmed, rumors are circulating that the Sleeve Monster has been offered consulting positions at Alpha Delta, Theta Delta Chi, Chi Heorot, Gamma Delta Chi, and Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternities. A Bones Gate representative said that removing sleeves was not sufficiently postmodern, whatever that means, and a Psi Upsilon brother reportedly scoffed at the notion of removing the sleeves from a vintage polo, muttering something about “new money.”