Fraternity Invents New Pong Defense Mechanism

“If you don’t like their rules, whose would you use?”

-Charlie Brown

Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity had a problem. Although they had never been renowned as a top house for pong, their cache had slipped even farther in the past two weeks after a series of embarrassing pong defeats in their own basement at the paddles of brothers from other houses. Alex Nichols ’11, SAE president, was able to play off the first few isolated losses as “flukes” because “some kids just suck at pong” or “I’m pretty sure the other team played Masters.” However, when a pair of brothers from Zete, a house that doesn’t even play pong, ran table for 9 games despite the fact that one of the Zetes passed out after 5, Nichols realized change was needed.

In an emergency meeting Sunday afternoon, Nichols and the rest of the executive board decided that they needed something to stop the bleeding and recapture the mediocrity that SAE pong had worked so hard to achieve, at least in their own basement. They needed a pong defense mechanism.

Pong defense mechanisms have long been ingrained into Dartmouth’s pong culture. Simply put, they are changes to standard pong that allow brothers in houses not considered “great pong houses” to hold table over freshman and the occasional visiting brother while in their own basement. Sometimes they are referred to as “house games”. When questioned by opponents, brothers usually justify them by saying “that’s just how we do it here”, “I didn’t make the rules” or “if you could sink cups it wouldn’t matter”.

The most common defense mechanisms consist of formations deviating from the standard shrub or tree. They usually consist of a simple line but some houses take it as far as scattering different formations randomly around the table and even eliminating one of the paddles from each side. Although not technically changing the game, they mentally trip up opponents from other houses, who usually lose before they realize how deceptively easy the new formation makes pong. Houses also add other small mental tricks such as “not calling low until it gets competitive” or playing environment. 

Some houses went to great lengths to establish these defense mechanisms. In the mid 1980’s Psi Upsilon Fraternity’s pong prowess came under attack. To counter this, they installed poles in the basement, which make it physically impossible for anyone who hasn’t completed their pledge term to return a well placed serve on the left side. 

Chi Gamma Epsilon Fraternity took it a step farther. Anticipating early struggles in pong, they built their basement with obnoxiously low ceilings to establish their own pong domain. 

Sometimes these defense mechanisms become mainstream and lead to the evolution of pong over time. GDX invented body saves in the 1970s when the football team’s offensive linemen were averaging 315 pounds and wanted to avoid moving during games. 

Unfortunately, SAE realized that new formations or poles could not stop their losing; they needed a fundamental change. After batting around other ideas such as moving the median so that it touches the front cup on one side, replacing paddles with flattened keystone cans, and cutting a hole in the middle of the table for a brother to occasionally jump out of and swat the ball out the air while yelling “NO EASY BUCKETS”, the board made a decision. 

They came up with an idea so revolutionary that it made line pong look like tree, made the Psi U basement look like an open field; they invented wall pong. Nichols explained the concept, “You put the table against the wall and each shot must bounce off the wall and go to the opposite side before it’s allowed to hit cups. Sinks on serves are good but only from the right side, where our brothers will always be holding table. Also, if you're not wearing SAE letters you have to play with your off hand.” Nichols giddily continued, “The best part is that if we label it a ‘house game’ no one can call us out on how ridiculous it is. We’re taking back our basement, one game at a time.”

When asked by the Dunyun for comment, Sam Fleming ’11, the IFC President, classified the move as “ridiculous” but added “It will provide a great excuse when they lose in the first round of Masters.”