’13s Attempt to Secure Hookups for Summer

Across campus, 13s have begun to take the first steps to secure steady hookups for the upcoming summer. Regardless of whether this year has been one big dry spell or a steady stream of options, freshmen are making the effort to rekindle old flames and ignite new ones in pursuit of a fruitful off term.

Due to the D-plan’s ability to provide large chunks of time at home when all of your friends are at school and vice versa, most ‘13s haven’t encountered their high school friends since last summer or winter break. This makes it necessary for freshmen to take steps to revive their relationships before leaving Hanover.

This is usually done in the form of a Facebook message because, as Theresa Addison ’13 put it, “None of my friends from home are in the DND, so I cant blitz them.”

These Facebook messages, which are sent on the second try after the window was accidentally minimized by trying to use the shortcut to send a blitz, usually start with something along the lines of “Sorry I haven't gotten back to you for the past 6 months, the internet in New Hampshire is pretty spotty” but always include the line “I need to show you the real way to play pong.”

Jacob Taylor ’13 began taking steps to ensure a productive summer when he learned that he had landed a “sick internship” at his dad’s company back home in Houston. Despite the fact that his freshman year consisted of one long dry spell broken up only by the occasional Heorot dance floor makeout, he saw the light at the end of the tunnel when he noticed that his high school girlfriend, Marion Smith, had recently set her Facebook relationship status as single. After checking her newest pictures to verify that she hadn’t gained the freshman 15, he subtly liked her new relationship status and messaged her, “We NEED to hang out!”

Many ’13 girls have also been getting into the action although with considerably less effort. Christy Jacobs ’13 explained her methodology, “After I checked to make sure that my high school bf wasn’t in any pictures with girls that are prettier than I am and didn’t have any intense wall-to-walls with girls, I just sent him a message with a smiley face. It’s pretty much locked in now.”

Thomas Glavine ’13 took a more comprehensive and assertive approach to finding quality hookups for the summer, “I messaged pretty much every girl I knew from back home individually, telling them how much I missed them and saying that we need to hang out. It was a lot of work but it’s a small price to pay. I’ve already gotten 7 responses. I should be swimming in a sea of poon come June.”

No freshmen are immune from this trend. Despite the fact that Reilly Sullivan ’13 has been dating Sam Harris ’13 since November, she sent a message to an old high school hookup “Just to be on the safe side” because “Sam lives 12 hours away, let’s be reasonable.”

Holly Keye ‘13 Contributed Reporting to this Article