Stuff Dartmouth People Like #5: Stealing from DDS

Number five in the count-up of Stuff Dartmouth People Like™ was a tough choice. Luckily, there is no limit on this list so we’ll cover all the other choices at some point.

Students love to steal from DDS because it’s the rational choice.

All Dartmouth people have a fundamental grasp of economics. Even those of us who take Phil 6 for our QDS can count. Stealing from DDS is putting these simple economics to work. If you think a price is too high, you don’t pay it. That’s why we love it, because we’re rational. But come on, you're not going to walk all the way to Bagel Basement between your 11 and 2.



You can also look at stealing as a way to rationalize the amount of time we have to wait in line. They give you those nuggets to provide sustenance while you wait for your joyo. We all know the rule of thumb, if the end of Collis line is closer to the back door than the cash register, you can leave without paying. That’s simple flow cytometry. Think of the years of our collective lives that would be wasted if we all always waited in line.

Maybe a “rational student” would look at DDS prices, say a $3 Vitamin Water, and think, “Wow, I bet that’s so expensive because 25% of food that this place produces doesn’t get paid for. That really constitutes a collective action problem.” But fuck that, you're not about to pay that much for the starfruit-citrus zero calorie flavor, is that seriously all Novack has left?

Stealing from DDS provides Dartmouth students with intellectually stimulating conversation topics. Maybe that DDS worker asks you what you're doing and you get into a philosophical discussion about what constitutes stealing? Maybe you and your friends discuss changes in the quantity demanded with higher prices? Maybe you gauge the level of inebriation of your potential hookup by how good she thinks those mozz sticks that she eats in line taste?

DDS realizes that we’re rational beings and uses it to their advantage so that we’ll like them. Why do people love Late Night Collis so much? Because it’s all free. It’s DDS’s version of a free sample bar. I dare one DDS worker to tell you otherwise. You know how I know they won’t? Because they’re watching you eat those five mozz sticks, two chicken tenders and lukewarm Panini.

At the end of the day, why wouldn’t we like to steal from DDS? Your DBA doesn’t roll over anyways after spring term or any time you're off. DDS is just making you a short-term loan. Knowing that you snagged a few Odwallas makes you feel better when $350 magically disappears from your account overnight. If it doesn’t get paid off then, they get you back with $50 parking tickets, library fines and charging your floor $150 for a ten minute vomit cleanup. Dartmouth students need to get theirs where they can, that’s why they like stealing from DDS. It just makes sense.