It’s no secret that students complain during finals. A lot. About everything. The quality of Novack coffee. The fact that the library closes early before reading period. When people leave their books in one spot for days on end. That asshole who doesn’t realize that everybody on 2fb can hear the music coming out of his headphones. People who take too long in the East Asian bathroom. You name it, there’s a complainer for it. Tired of listening to all these complaints (in addition to some other complaints about some other stuff that has something to do with the I-CC and the Opinion page of The D), the College decided to take care of the vast majority of student complaints by fixing everything bad during finals. They will do this by simultaneously hiring Bain & Company and instituting a library police force to protect and serve library residents.
“We realized that 90% of students only care about things right in front of them, so we decided to stop 90% of the complaining by solving those problems,” said one college administrator who requested not to have his name associated with this article, lest he should be burned at the stake. “During finals, we just fix the library and everybody shuts up. Genius.”
The library police force will patrol Baker-Berry Library 24 hours a day from the start of reading period until the end of finals. They will silence loud patrons, provide noise-canceling headphones to substitute for the kind that act more like speakers, clear books off of desks if left unattended for longer than seven minutes, and post a guard outside of the East Asian bathroom who will knock annoyingly on the door if the user is taking too goddamn long.
“I’m excited,” said one of the Hanover Police officers who was hired to moonlight in Baker-Berry library. “Let’s kick some ass.”
Bain didn’t really have many suggestions, but we’re going to pay them for their ideas, anyways. They had some idea about opening the library later, I guess that’s logical. Then something about Fair Trade coffee. Did anyone catch that? I don’t know why we hired these guys. Somebody could have just suggested that we put a vaporizer in Novack so students can just chill the fuck out and stop complaining. That would’ve made more sense. What the fuck does Fair Trade coffee even mean? Jesus.
Everybody’s excited, however, that somebody’s going to tell Team Kappa to shut the fuck up.
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nice. this is the first time i've laughed at the dunyun in a while
ReplyDeleteI second anonymous number one. For the past term or so I've been consistently disappointed with the quality of the dunyun- the new staff additions are not nearly on par with original triumvirate. I've actually taken to deleting the blitzes before even opening them. Really glad I didn't do that with this one.
ReplyDeleteagreed. the 14s need to up their game
ReplyDeleteKappas trying to flirt with the guys taking 3 gut classes should stay the fuck off Berry three where people are actually trying to work. If I wanted to listen to people spending 3/4 of their time talking to their friends and the other 1/4 of the time on facebook, i would work on berry 1
ReplyDelete