News in Brief: End of Winter Term Edition

“17 Hours Before Exam, Student Knows More about Charlie Sheen than Robert Frost”

Around 4 PM, exactly 17 hours before his 8 AM final in ENGL 31: Deep Thoughts, Victor Berman ’12 came to realization that he knew more about the themes behind the recent rants by Charlie Sheen than those behind the writings of Robert Frost, which make up over half of the syllabus. Despite two days at a desk with a book of Frost’s poems and notes that he copied from a classmate, Berman spent a majority of his time watching Youtube videos of Sheen and blitzing friends to discuss whether or not Sheen had begun using drugs again.

Although he could remember only two of the twenty lines of “The Road Not Taken,” which he was expected to recite from memory, he had flawless command of Sheen’s rhetoric in his recent “I’m an F-18, bro” diatribe. When asked for background on both figures, Berman was only able to volunteer that Frost “went to Dartmouth, I think” but was able to name both of Sheen’s ‘goddesses’ and the pornographic films that each has starred in.


When asked if he expected to cover all the material before the exam, he muttered something about plans to “score some performance enhancing drugs” and “just win every frickin’ second.”

- Jayson Doubleday '13

"It’s Not Flip-Flop Weather"

The Dunyun has received numerous reports concerning an inordinate number of flip-flop wearers around campus despite the presence of snow on the ground and consistent freezing temperatures. These nerveless sickos are to be avoided at all costs, as other symptoms of psychosis may include violent tendencies, attention-seeking self-harm, and a desire to force you into your fifth conversation of the day about how much they “can’t wait for Spring Break.” Yeah, but unfortunately you still have to. That shit between your toes ain’t sand. Seriously, were you raised by wolves?

-Frannie Mays '11

“Girl Relies on Facebook to Remind Campus that She is Returning in the Spring”

After almost ten weeks at an internship in Baltimore, Susan Kline ’13 has taken to Facebook to remind her friends that she not only still exists but she will also be returning to Dartmouth for Spring term. Ms. Kline’s three-pronged attack first consisted of setting statuses such as “HANOVER IN 15 DAYS AHHH!!!!” and “last day of work! #hanoverhereicome.” She followed this up with wall posts to friends inquiring about their willingness to “Run back 10F???” as well as to her spring roommates about their status as the potential “best dorm room ever?” In the final step of her plan, she commented on pictures from her sorority’s formal with comments ranging from “you look SO PRETTY in that dress!” to “11WhyamInotthere?”

At press time, Ms. Kline could not be reached for comment, but sources confirmed that she was “12 days, 3 hours, 22 minutes from Hanover!” about an hour ago.

- Jayson Doubleday '13

"Guy Develops New Way to Meet Girls"

Harry Sanders ’14 has developed an unconventional method that he calls “the frattiest way to attract girls since being in a frat.” Every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights, he rifles through the jackets he finds on the first floors of fraternities, looking at the ID’s he finds inside, then stealing the jackets of the hottest girls. He then waits for the lost jacket blitz to make his move, because, as he explains, “I’m way more charming over blitz anyway.” To date, he has flitzed with thirty-seven girls using this method, garnering him two dance-floor makeouts, one date to Dirt Cowboy with “this chick who had definitely gained weight since freshman year, but still a solid 1 on the binary,” three tentative pong dates, and an awkward handjob in the Dirt Cowboy bathroom. Though some question its ethical grounds of this tactic, Phil Dix ’12, who is in charge of the lost & found blitz, has voiced his approval, saying, “Ok to round facilitating shady hookups online to co-founder of eHarmony?”

-Frannie Mays '11