Novack Futilely Maintains that King Arthur Flour is their Rival

Despite being vastly outmatched in food quality, service, and facetime by King Arthur Flour, Novack Café still insists that they are a “competitor” with whom the KAF Café “splits clientele.”

Ever since KAF opened last spring, students have slowly veered away from the straight, no-frills, Keystone-Light-of-coffee from Novack and towards the delicious, Keystone-Light-in-an-orange-can-of-coffee from the KAF.

“Novack is so grim,” said Sarah Saperstein ’13. “I don’t know how I survived without my iced chai with skim for two years.” When asked if she was worried about drinking so many sugary drinks, Saperstein responded, “Didn’t you just hear me? I get skim so it’s okay.”

While KAF has a solid advantage with their better tasting and clearly healthier coffee options, Novack relies on their legendary baked goods, namely the peanut butter and carnival cookies to keep them in the running. Touché, Novack. Those peanut butter cookies are like sex with little chunks of Reese’s in the middle.

But Novack is still rivals with KAF the way the Washington Generals are rivals with the Globetrotters or the way Occupy Dartmouth are rivals with being warm.

Because KAF has taken a subtle lead by replacing first (read: third) floor Berry as the facetime hub where people love to “study.” Add this to an ever-present line of students trying to pass the time and you’ve got a dangerous amount of conversation for such close quarters.

Try holding a conversation while you’re about to order at Novack. You are so fucked.

In an interview with a Dunyun writer who had just picked up his curried chicken sandwich and was waiting on his Mexican hot chocolate, Grace Tenhula ’14 discussed how King Arthur Flour was her new favorite place to study.

“I can only study with a shit ton of noise,” said Tenhula. “Especially when I have a lot of work. Like now, I have this eight-page paper due tomorrow that I’ve barely started. I’m totally screwed. But did you go out last night? Heorot was soo crazy. I haven’t seen you in forever!”

King Arthur Flour may have the commanding edge now, but the real winner will be whoever steps up and offers some freshly cracked eggs.

R.I.P. Ye Olde Hop. Get in the game, Foco de Ciao.